2008-02-27

Duh.

I sort of knew that the re-introduction of full-on cable television was going to be really bad for me. I think my IQ has dropped about 25 points since VH1, Bravo, and A&E came back into my life.

I have a SCHEDULE now. It's awful. It's making me stupid, I know. I get the "DUH face" when I'm sitting there watching all of this dreck. Allow me to show you my "DUH face," chickens:

That's the "DUH face." And it's not pretty. In a pinch, it doubles as the "DURRRR face," and -- as was the case when Nettie took this picture -- it's also the "I am completely un-photogenic but you are insisting on taking my picture so I may as well just give you the 'DUH face' face."

With apologies to my Cable Behemoth Executive brother, the shit makes you dumb as a post, for real. Perhaps if I poked around a bit more, I could find something that would make me a better, more well-rounded person, but at the end of the day I don't want honor, dignity, and historical relevance. I want the television equivalent of a clown car crash. Twisted metal, pathos, dazed clowns, and maybe a few bruised and bloodied lawyers and real estate agents thrown in for good measure (you know, for that much-needed "bottom feeder" element so crucial to the reality genre). The cable channels provide this in abundance. Nowhere else do I feel such a sick, saccharine sense of superiority than in front of my t.v. Except maybe on the bus.

Of the shows I currently make a point to watch, only one has some arguable redeeming qualities, and that's "Project Runway." I like clothes, I like well-made clothes, I like clothes-as-art. I like that surly, pissy little moppet Christian. He can throw the 'tude all he wants. He gets to, because his clothes are always fan-fucking-tastic (with the exception of that dismal prom dress, but that was TOTALLY NOT HIS FAULT). So, on the DUH scale (one being least likely to make me forget my own name, and five being....uh....what was I saying?), this gets one "DUH face."

Then we have the one-two recovery punch of "Intervention" and "Celebrity Rehab." In both cases, there's the vaguely unsettling sense that you should NOT be watching this. In the case of the former, it's because it's completely raw, completely unforgiving, and -- for those of us with substance abuse histories -- it frequently hits a little too close to home. In the case of the latter, it's because you're watching a bunch of F-listers flailing about in a giant puddle of denial, self-pity and their own irrelevance. So, one "DUH face" for "Intervention," although once I made the mistake of watching a marathon of back-to-back episodes, and it seriously made me so WICKED depressed that I was practically incapacitated...

...and three "DUH faces" for "Celebrity Rehab."

Finally, we have "Rock of Love 2," in which Bret Michaels continues the search for his buxom, vapid, 20-something soulmate. If you thought the first season was bad, you will be appalled by this go-round. These are some seriously rode-hard-and-put-away-wet fillies vying for the attention of Mr. Michaels. Actually, I'm not really sure why I'm still watching this, since it became quantifiably less entertaining once Angelique, the horrifying French ex-patriate porn star and probable transvestite, got the heave-ho a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, Angelique. You had me at "I want to have some sex wees Bret in zees poo-wull." It's just not the same without you, mon cherie.

A sad testament to the tattered neon remnants of the hair metal days, I can't help but think that "Rock of Love" would be much more...compelling...if they'd gotten Nikki Sixx instead.

Five "DUH faces" for this'un.

Gotta go; they're re-running the "Christy the meth-addicted stripper who thinks she's the sister of Jesus Christ" episode tonight on "Intervention."

lisamcc at 7:20 p.m.

9 comments so far
Andrea
2008-02-27 20:30:27
God, that Christy episode slays me. Slays. Me. Hi, I'm Andrea and I'm addicted to Intervention. (jesus, was that in bad taste?)
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Jess
2008-02-27 20:43:56
Are you KIDDING me?! "Rock Of Love" is the greatest show of all time. I don't even care if I'm a fucktard for thinking so. I think Ambre will win. I was totally bummed about him getting rid of Fake Frenchy (no WAY was that accent real). My favorite line: "Apparently I'm a black-out drunk. And if that's not what Brett is looking for, it's HIS loss!" HAH!! Um, I also watch the Scott Baio one.
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lj lindhurst
2008-02-28 08:52:09
I've already seen the Cristy episode THREE times. It is amazing. I particularly love the creepy "Cristeeeeeee" song her creepy dad sings. And the little stickers she has pasted around her eyes at the end. Oh, and let's not forget the nude fist-fight with her sister!! SWEET SWEET INTERVENTION, how I love you!
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LisaMcC
2008-02-28 10:41:56
Jess - I tried to watch "Scott Baio..." but was just too irritated. Dude, shut up, buck up, be a man and thank your lucky stars that people are still interested enough in you that you merited a full second season of this crap.

Andrea/LJ - I swear I'm going to hell SPECIFICALLY for finding that episode so entertaining.
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Honey
2008-02-28 15:47:10
Did you know that Nikki Sixx wrote a book? I didn't either until I was searching the library database for "diary" (or was it "journal"?) at three in the morning. Um. All the reality shows I watch are on discovery and food. Oh, and "Kitchen Nightmares" on BBC America.
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lj lindhurst
2008-02-28 17:28:51
Did you see the Intervention where the former Olympic shot-putter lesbian was addicted to meth? I totally had a dream that she was my lesbian girlfriend and I SAVED her from her life of meth! (and no I am not a lesbian in Real Life, I save that for my Dream Life)
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vikkitikkitavi
2008-02-28 19:00:12
I'm sorry, but Chris was my favorite on PR and now he's gone. Human hair trim? Fuck yeah! It was wonderfully PETAesquely subversive. I must confess also to being fascinated by Celebrity Rehab, but now that Kinickie is gone, I have lost interest. I think I was only interested in Kinickie. Personally, I think he never recovered from having the "Greased Lightning" song taken away from his character and given to Travolta's character in the movie.
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Lynette
2008-02-29 14:27:52
Ok...look at the nonexistant waist that blend into the exact same size hips on that Angelique. She's a MAN, baby!!! And I love that DUH face photo I took. I have a life sized poster of it above my bed. Keeps me humble.
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Jess
2008-03-07 02:24:04
Jeff likes "Baio" because Scott is (slightly) more neurotic about having a kid than he is. It make him feel better. Notice I said "slightly."
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