2000-11-28

Drinkin' With Britney

Let's get Britney Spears drunk on wine coolers!

I got to thinking the other night, after a discussion with Bo and Colleen, about a very serious Rite of Passage� that I just don't think Britney, catapulted into megastardom at such a young age and all, ever got to experience.

I'm talking about drinking in the woods.

I've been obsessed with the whole concept of Clandestine Suburban Adolescent Drinking (isn't that a bookish term? I just made it up!) for months now. It's endearingly sordid, usually involving siphoned something-or-other, with a soundtrack to die for, and is guaranteed to end with a spectacular show of regurgitation, provided, of course, that one doesn't get nailed in the act before the whole thing even gets off the ground (as was the case with Yours Truly, circa 1986, caught red-handed trying to transport a mason jar full of vodka into the woods with my giggling teen accomplices. You'd have thought I was caught with a dirty syringe and a burnt teaspoon, the way my mother railed me out for that episode. Hi, Ma!)

In true retro fashion, Paula, Linda, Jess and I have often talked about holding a "Let's Get Drunk In The Woods" party. I think it'd be awfully nice of us to invite Britney, to give her the opportunity to make up for all that lost time spent shimmying in those tarty little getups of hers. And Jess lives in LA now; surely she's got some in with Britney's handlers.

We'd see to it that Britney had the most comfortable stump to sit upon in the wild, wild woods of Malden, Massachusetts. There'd be a thrice-dubbed cassette copy of the first Van Halen album burbling away on a cheap old boombox (the one with the duct tape holding the cassette player door shut). It may get cold; I'll gladly offer my old Emerson College sweatshirt. Britney will hesitate...chew on her lower lip in a subconscious, fretting gesture: will that make me look fat? We'll tipsily assure her that she looks "totally skinny and awesome, God, Britney." She'll burst into tears and permit herself to slide back into her Louisiana drawl, "Y'all are the bist frinz ah ever hayud!!!"

I mean, we're a fairly trustworthy and well-meaning lot; she'd be in pretty safe hands. Hell, I'll even volunteer to be the one to hold Ms. Spears's golden blonde extensions back as she vomits Peach Schnapps and Cool Ranch Doritos all over Linda's driveway.

Britney - if you're out there, have your people call my people. Let's make this happen.

lisamcc at 21:02:54

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