2000-09-18

Communication

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this. Bear with me.

I got back from visiting a friend of mine. He's in the process of recovering from a serious stroke, and while he's cognizant and able to recognize people and understands what's going on around him, he's in what's called "locked-in" syndrome. It's hard to know what he's thinking or feeling sometimes, because he's either completely expressionless, or he's labile, which means that he'll be crying or laughing uncontrollably, as he slowly learns to regain control over his facial muscles.

It was awkward for me in some ways, because I hadn't seen him since before he had the stroke, but I'd been in touch with him through email, sending him gossip about the music scene and dirty jokes. But when I saw him today I kept feeling like I wasn't "doing it" right, that I wasn't communicating "correctly," because I was just trying to goof around with him the way I always had.

It got me to thinking about how reliant on email I've become, how I seem to put things across better via the written word. I've always admired people who can get their shit across in person, or in "real time." Me, I stammer. Every other word out of my mouth is "um."

I went through a period where I was completely fascinated with oral history, with storytelling. I had a friend in college, Kaarla, who was one of the best storytellers I ever heard, besides my mom. I think the ability to really tell a story is a gift, and if I was able to maintain eye contact with another person for longer than 15 seconds, it'd be something I'd seriously try to cultivate. As it stands, I enjoy the relative anonymity of putting my thoughts across this way, in writing, where I have the security of the "backspace" key, the security of being able to proofread my thoughts before sending them out.

At any rate, I feel like I'm being totally ridiculous about my visit with Mikey, that it's completely self-centered of me to even dwell on my success or failure in conveying my love and concern for him when he's got so far to go himself in terms of communication.

lisamcc at 00:26:05

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