2000-05-01

The Art of Selling Out

Time is running out.

I'm gonna be 30 in September and I am still not a rockstar�.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Tom and I have discussed it at length, and came to the conclusion that neither one of us have any problem whatsoever with Selling Out�.

The problem with Selling Out, though, is that it's not as easy as it looks. It's an art form, like anything else, and one must do it Exceptionally Well in order to succeed, taking the steps necessary to facilitate the process.

I thought long and hard about this yesterday, and came up with a rough outline of what needs to happen for Scrapple to make the successful transition from "quirky art-punk semi-scenesters" to "mainstream act."

1) Christina and I will have to collectively lose about 25 pounds, cutting out the pre-rehearsal jaunts to Dunkin' Donuts. I'll have to get contact lenses, bleach my hair, and buy a whole bunch of adhesive bindis, color-coordinated to match my vinyl hiphuggers. For the first time in my life, 16-year-old boys will think I'm "hot." My midriff will be a cause celebre.

2) Tom and Dave will need to buff up and shave on a regular basis. The 13 year-old-girls need to find them attractive, and studies show that facial hair is intimidating.

3) Next, and certainly of utmost importance, is the song. The hit that will propel us to The Top, putting us in heavy rotation on "Total Request Live." Thousands of shrieking kids standing in front of 1515 Broadway, holding posters lauding us for our collective "kewlness." I think the quickest route is the Shameless one � perhaps a song entitled "Carson Daly is the Father of My Two-Headed Love Child." Bypass the local media and venues altogether, I say, and aim straight for the jugular.

I'm completely willing to sacrifice longevity and artistic integrity in favor of a nice juicy 6 month stint on the A List. Show up at the Video Music Awards in a Hefty Bag and stiletto heels. Trade bon mots with Busta Rhymes and Fred Durst.

Bring it on.

lisamcc at 11:26:06

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