2000-03-30

A carbonated slap in the face.

My dad's a marketing guy. Subsequently, my parents' house has become a fertile test market area for a number of bizarre foodstuffs. I say this because any time any of us come over to visit, we cannot leave without accepting what my sister-in-law now refers to as "wonderful parting gifts."

In other words, we have no choice but to become product testers.

As we were leaving last Sunday, my dad started in on his usual farewell spiel: "Ya need anything? Take some-a this. Have ya heard a'this?" We'd accepted a Limited Edition 2000 Collector's Tin of Holiday Bite-Sized Milky Ways, and several packages of Starburst Hard Candies, when I noticed a case of something called XTC.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Oh, that's good stuff. That's one-a those energy drinks. Ya want 'em? Here -- take the whole thing."

"I don't want the whole thing, Dad. I'll take a couple, okay?"

I figured, well, this coming week is going to be busy, I don't get paid until Friday, so coffee money is going to be scant, may as well have a few of these things handy.

I brought one into work today. I was admiring the can itself. It's compact, a little like a V-8 can, only narrower. It touts itself as "a carbonated slap in the face." My goodness. Definitely appealing to my darker, Blue Velvet side ("Heeeet me, Frank!" "Don't fuckin' look at me!").

I opened the can, and wandered out into the lounge area, where my intern, Josh, was stuffing envelopes with the efficiency and precision of Swiss clockwork. "Check this out," I said, proffering the can.

"What's that?"

"It's called XTC."

"Oh...like the band?"

"Huh. Yeah...it's an energy drink or something."

"You're gonna drink an energy drink?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, no offense, but uh, you're already kinda hyper, Lees..."

"Shut up, Josh." I raised the can to my lips, took a tentative sip.

"So what does it taste like?"

I paused. "Sort of like...you know when you buy multi-vitamins from like a nature foods store? It sort of tastes like the smell of the inside of a vitamin bottle, only except it's carbonated."

"Wow. A carbonated vitamin bottle. Sounds good. I like the can."

"Me too. Hey, I wonder what color this stuff is." I ran back into my office, grabbed a clear plastic cup. I poured a tiny bit into it. "Wow, it's yellow."

"It's really yellow," said Josh, "It's, like, glowing. Are you gonna finish it?"

"Sure. I don't wanna be wasteful." I drained the can in two gulps, shuddered, pitched it into the wastebasket, and went back to work.

That was 5 hours ago. I've been to the restroom 8 times, and I'm finding all kinds of reasons to go downstairs, to go backstage, to go across the street...

lisamcc at 15:19:57

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