2000-02-11

Heinous Pastry

There's a certain sub-genus of baked good, falling somewhere between the Supermarket Bakery line and Li'l Debbie, that I like to refer to as "heinous pastries." A jaunt to your grocery store's bread-and-cake aisle will invariably yield a small section (usually squished between the bread and the Hostess display) of forlorn-looking, heavily frosted items gathering dust. Cherry vanilla swirled cinnamon spins trapped in plastic, usually called "Aunt Bessie's something-or-other," made in Wisconsin. Table Talk pies. Generic mini-eclairs filled with yellow salve-like "real custard." I always make a point to linger over the Heinous Pastry section at the West Roxbury Stop&Shop, fascinated-yet-horrified, picking up random boxes of white powdered "Donettes" and shrieking, "Kev, commoverhere and lookit this!"

The packaging, too, is always entertaining, with these tiny companies steadfastly sticking with a design from 1972.

Who buys these things? Surely there's a market for them, otherwise they wouldn't be there. I picture little old ladies carefully selecting sticky buns, along with hard candies and 1-liter bottles of Moxie, for visits from the grandchildren.

So, yesterday, my friend Carly comes into my office, bearing a box of butterscotch krimpets that her grandmother sent to her. Apparently you can't get a butterscotch krimpet here in Boston, so Carly's grandmother has taken it upon herself to see that Carly shall not want for one ever. In fact, Carly had so many krimpets that she felt compelled to wander all across the theater, handing them out to all staff members from the stage crew to us administrative drones a block away.

I studied my krimpet, thrilled, since this indeed was a new Heinous Pastry, a regional delicacy, if you will. It looked not unlike a kitchen sponge, topped with a sickly orange layer of frosting. Kellie, my office-mate, promptly unwrapped hers and consumed it, declaring herself an unashamed lover of all processed foodstuffs.

I still have mine at home. I caught Kev eyeing it this morning. I'll keep you posted (I'm sure you care).

lisamcc at 10:03:30

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