2001-12-26

My Dream Network

Here's what I really wanted for Christmas: my own t.v. network.

Lately, I've taken to flipping between the two purported "women's networks" (Women's Entertainment -- formerly known as Romance Classics -- and Lifetime), and what I want to know is: who the fuck did these people poll to arrive at their respective programming decisions? They certainly never came knocking on my door.

Umpteen airings of "The Thorn Birds" and "Designing Women" does not speak to me as a woman. But, then, I suppose I'm not the sort of gal they're trying to reach.

The other night at band practice, for example, I was tuning my drums and half-listening to the conversation among my three (male) bandmates: Roland's wife is pregnant with their first baby. Roland was late for practice because he had to pick her up at the doctor's office where she had gone to deal with "implantation bleeding." All of a sudden it got quiet. I looked up from what I was doing and saw all three of my bandmates looking expectantly at me.

"What?"

"'Implantation Bleeding.'"

"Yeah?"

"Translation?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

I would like a network dedicated to women like me and my girlfriends. Women who, when the beer is gone, will resort to drinking Baileys and half-n-half because that's all that's left. Women who will doll themselves up like Donna Reed, go out to fancy tapas restaurants, and proceed to loudly discuss the cunnilingus techniques of their ex-boyfriends.

Cable companies would do well to follow me, Paula, and Jess around on any given evening to come up with ideas.

My network would be a steady diet of vintage "Banana Splits" episodes, news flashes as to the going-ons of Leif Garrett and Howard Jones, interspersed with those old "It's Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature" Chiffon margarine commercials. We're talking a nonstop orgy of Vital Cheese, chickens.

lisamcc at 4:22 p.m.

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