2001-05-15

Wuv Luv

On Saturday I went to my niece's first birthday party. It was a nice, laid-back family affair; I always enjoy hanging out and drinking beer with my brother, Bill, and the kids are just cute as the dickens. Monica is four, and Miranda is the newly minted one-year-old.

When it came time for Miranda to "open" her presents (Monica was all too happy to help in that respect), it was the usual fare: li'l rompers and sunhats and primary colored objects that make a lot of noise. But then we came to the Wuv-Luv.

"Wuv-Luv," I said, "What the hell is that?"

A Wuv-Luv, it turns out, is this lurid-hued, bug-eyed Furby-like creature who, as I was informed by one of the wee small cousins, actually gives birth and proceeds to sing "The Teapot Song" with its spawn.

Fascinated-yet-horrified, my brother and I thrust the Wuv-Luv at Bill's father-in-law, whose job it is to assemble all of the "some assembly required" gadgets that Monica and Miranda invariably receive. "Hot damn, " I hollered, fishing a beer out of the cooler, "this I gotta see!"

The aforementioned wee small cousin gathered the Wuv-Luv into her lap, patiently explaining to us everything that was about to happen. She sat there rubbing its lurid furry back while it cooed, "Ohhhh, wuv yooooo," and "I wuv HUGS!" I started getting impatient, desperately wanting to witness the miracle of Wuv-Luv birth in Bill's backyard. "C'mon," I whined, "when's it gonna do it?!"

The wee small cousin glared at me. "You have to keep pettin' it or it won't have anything," she informed me, as if Here Indeed Was An Idiot. She continued to calmly stroke away, while the little fucker kept bleating, "Ooooo, dat feels GOOD."

Finally, after what seemed an interminable length of time spent watching the Wuv Luv getting fondled, it all but looked beatifically up at us and chirped: "Here comes BABY!"

"You've gotta be kiddin' me, " Bill mumbled.

We placed it on the kiddie table, amongst the empty beer bottles, and watched. And watched. "Here comes BABY," the Wuv-Luv repeated.

"So go on and have it already."

All of a sudden, the Wuv-Luv began to undulate, its eyes rolling about spastically. It looked for all the world like my cat getting ready to glarf up a big hairball. "Here comes BABY," the Wuv-Luv shrieked before whelping a giant pink plastic egg. Inside were two little luridly-hued beanbag-type critters, who immediately began singing "The Teapot Song."

"Twins!" the wee small cousin gleefully shouted.

"Oh my God." I looked at my brother, who was standing there with his hand over his mouth.

For the rest of the afternoon, the Wuv-Luv sat on the table, continuing to sing with its "babies," while periodically reminding us how much it wuvved to be hugged.

"So let me get this straight, " I said to Bill, "Here we have a creature who is clearly starved for affection, will sit on anyone's lap, and can only speak baby-talk....giving birth. Is it a toy or a social statement?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

Miranda, meanwhile, sat on the lawn happily gibbering away to a paper plate.

lisamcc at 4:02 p.m.

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