2001-05-11

Mystery Shoppers

Having worked a number of hideous retail jobs prior to my current glorious "career," I'm fascinated by the concept of the Mystery Shopper. These folks essentially get paid to nail workers who, shockingly, occasionally operate under the philosophy that the customer is not always right. Apparently there are firms who loan out these clandestine shoppers; in my experience, some of the larger retail chains actually have their own fleet of nasty li'l Super Spies.

I got busted by a Mystery Shopper once, when I worked at Lauriat's Booksellers, at the glorious South Shore Plaza in scenic Braintree, MA. The guy came in, grabbed a bestseller, surreptitiously stuck a "$4.99" remainder sticker on it, and brought it up to the register. Lauriat's, being at the forefront of technology back then in �89, had a scanner system which read the ISBN number on the book's jacket.

Now, I'd been there about a week at that point, and as literate a gal as I like to believe I am, I couldn't tell you what the Top Ten Fiction Bestsellers are even if you attempted to crush me to death with the entire hardcover Stephen King collection. So there I was, scanning this book over my little red-lit hotplate thingamajig, and the register kept bleating "$24.99." I mean, it wasn't an obvious bestseller; it wasn't "The Satanic Verses" (hugely popular that summer). So I mumbled something about how untrustworthy them infernal computers could be, did a price override, and sold the book to the guy for $4.99+tax. He all but gave me a chuck under the chin, and headed out.

Half an hour later I got called up to the manager's office, where I was given a blow-by-blow recap of my blunder. They seemed more alarmed that I'd said something derisive about Lauriat's glorious state-of-the-art register system than the fact that I'd sold a bestseller for $5.24. Well, lesson learned and all, so I assiduously studied those fucking Bestseller lists for the rest of the summer.

About a month later the exact same guy came in, and pulled the exact same stunt. I was at the register with a newish employee when he approached her to purchase the book. Again, same problem � it kept ringing up as "$24.99."

"Um, uh...I'm not really sure what the problem is," my coworker stammered.

By God, I was going to show my stuff this time around. I took the book from her, and said, "Oh, see, Rochelle - this is a bestseller." I peered coyly at the guy through my purplish fringe of bangs and informed him that the sticker was incorrect: "I'm not sure why it's on there, but I'm sure you understand....there are plenty of other terrific deals on the remainder table, sir."

A vague flicker of recognition passed over his face as he smirked at me. "Well, these things do happen...thanks anyway."

When I was again called up to the manager's office, I was praised for my attention to detail, and for my polite handling of the matter. Hah.

I think I could be a Mystery Shopper. But I think I would up the ante � instead of presenting such a bland situation as the aforementioned, I'd aim for the jugular, creating far more typically absurd Adventures in Retail. For example:

• Engage employee in long discussion of possible birthday presents for a four-year-old, with prominent booger hanging from right nostril.
• Douse myself with gin, stagger into establishment and ask about good books on 12 step programs.

I'd make a killing, I would.

lisamcc at 1:15 p.m.

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