2001-03-19

Watch me disappear!

I came across a website the other day called "The Thin Page," or something to that effect. It's a weblog run by a bunch of girls who are chronicling their anorexia. No � that's wrong � they claim to not be anoretic; they just "feel better" when they're not eating.

I made the decision, just now, not to link to this page, since I found it on Clix, which indicates to me that they want the attention, positive and negative, anyway, and they'll continue to get it whether my readers go there or not.

My first reaction, when coming upon sites like this � sites that essentially romanticize eating disorders � is one of overwhelming sadness. It's like when I'm at a party with my girlfriends � stimulating, creative creatures all � and the conversation invariably turns to diets and "health club" plans and I seriously have to leave the room, it makes me so miserable. Because I'm not allowed to be the killjoy in that respect anymore. I am no longer permitted to wonder, aloud, why so many otherwise brilliant women absolutely accept the "fact" that only one body type � emaciated � is allowed. Everybody's heard it, Lees, and no one wants to hear it anymore. We applaud shrinking, heap glowing praise on one another for finally admitting that we don't deserve to occupy any more space than what can be comfortably seated in a movie theater chair.

Blah blah blah.

Eventually, though, I find that I can muster very little compassion and/or sympathy for a bunch of girls who are essentially teaching themselves how to starve. And I'm quite certain that they don't give a rat's ass, because this is their decision, after all, and nobody's getting on my case for accepting my body as it is, and feeding it accordingly, so maybe I should just fuck off and leave them be, yes?

The problem I have with a site like this calls to mind an essay I just read in the latest issue of Slander:

Granted, in this case Mimi Nguyen is questioning the validity of hunger strikes as a form of protest, but I do think it's somewhat applicable in this case as well. For these girls, food's only interest lies in how little of it they need. It's only interesting if it's been refused, or studiously ignored. They have the luxury not only of having ten dollars in the first place, but also of getting to choose whether or not they'll spend it on food that day. The homeless woman panhandling in front of the 7-11 does not have that choice. I think that once you come to understand the "politics of hunger," as Mimi put it, you realize how hypocritical it is to starve yourself to prove a point.

People who actively starve themselves continually decry the rampant gluttony of Americans as a whole, and while it's arguably a valid observation, I find it hard to take coming from someone for whom starvation is just as self-gratifying as buying and eating a bag of potato chips.

I understand, having been there myself, that the issue at hand here is self-control. If you feel like you're in control of your appetite, you're therefore in control of your life. It's a nice thought; it's just not true. When I was actively starving myself, it occupied most of my waking hours. Bills went unpaid, work projects were completed past deadline and in a half-assed manner, but by God I knew how many calories I'd consumed every day. See how in control I was?

Really, one of the most political, proactive things I've done in recent years is decide to eat without apologizing for it. There's a $30 billion industry out there that just loves the fact that food = guilt, that makes its money this way, and I refuse to support it any longer.

lisamcc at 16:27:37

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