2010-06-10

SCRAM

In case you don't follow these things, Lindsay Lohan - who maybe drinks a little more than she should - has been ordered to wear one of those SCRAM things on her ankle. If she takes a cocktail, or starts drinking Listerine recreationally (don't you judge), this SCRAM thing does....I don't know what it does. Squawks? Bleats? Lights up like a disco dolly?

At any rate, it did whatever it does the other night, and true to form, Lindsay took to her Twitter page to defend herself. OMG, she toe-tuh-lee did not indulge in the sweet nectar. Those journalists are meanies. What happened, see, was that someone put a LIGHT UP BRACELET in her boot.

No, wait. That's not what happened. Someone SPILLED A DRINK ON HER LEG. Yeah, that's why it went off.

Stuff like this is especially funny to me, because if I were in that position (having to wear one of those SCRAM things, I mean, not being a twentysomething starlet with insane parents and a self-tanner addiction), I would've come up with at least one of those two excuses as to why my SCRAM thing did what it did...maybe not the light up bracelet story, because no one would buy that from me, ever. Even at my most loaded, I would not have donned such a thing, nor be in a place where such things were de rigueur. I digress. I totally would've claimed spillage of lager. Because if there's one thing I could do when I was drinking, it was come up with some wicked insane excuses for why I was weaving, tottering, slurring, puking and otherwise making an ass of myself. Here's a short laundry list:

**Food poisoning. I had this more times than anyone has any business having. Such a delicate constitution. Just couldn't eat anything without it disagreeing with me somehow. Really. I won't be coming to the office today.

**Lady troubles. PMS was a good excuse for the sudden, screeching crying jags. Much more plausible than drinking my weight in Jack Daniels. And I had PMS no matter what time of the month it was.

**"Exhaustion." Celebrities also play this card. Trust - when someone has checked into an undisclosed facility for "exhaustion," it's a pretty fair bet it means they were found passed out under the coffee table. I personally liked it under the coffee table. Surprisingly comfortable. Same with bathroom floors. See also: "dehydration."

**Celestial Seasonings. Listen here - that "Sleepytime" tea can do a person in. Chamomile is worse than smack. It makes you break dishes while you're trying to wash them like nothing's wrong and you haven't spent the evening drinking bottom shelf brandy and watching the end of "The Color Purple" over and over again because it makes you cry. Yes. I actually did this. Sometimes I tell that to some of my sober friends and it stops them dead in their tracks. Because it's the BEST STORY EVER.

So, you know, give Lindsay some time. I'm sure with a little more practice, she can get to the Blaming Herbal Tea level. Which is to say: PRO, baby.

lisamcc at 12:24 p.m.

4 comments so far
Jess
2010-06-10 18:36:03
Giving up sugar & starch has given me a whole new appreciation for alcoholics (or any kind of addict, really). And by "giving up sugar & starch" I mean trying really really hard not to eat it and yet giving myself all kinds of excuses to eat it anyway like "I'm on vacation!" or "It's Memorial Day!" or "Out of town guests!" or "I'm hungry!" I don't know how you do it. Give up something you're addicted to, I mean. I'm very impressed.
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Veronika
2010-06-10 19:09:04
I totally have someone at work who uses the "food poisoning" excuse often - she also has more migraines than my firend who has to carry an epipen around for them...
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Sadako
2010-06-11 18:05:32
Yeah. For exhaustion...what, does the Betty Ford Center have really comfy beds? :D
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Houseboy
2010-06-11 18:53:38
Spillage of lager? What about wild hand gestures? (And do we owe Aaron Tap money now?)
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