2008-05-20

Big Dumb Ogre Brain

Ms. Bitchcakes posted an entry yesterday about compulsive (and "secret") overeating. Whenever I go to her site, I am struck by the similarities in our respective struggles, hers with food, mine with...well...I'm learning it tends to be a lot more than just alcohol.

When I was first dealing with/learning about my own addiction issues, I started reading up on the limbic system. This is the part of the brain that's carried over from early evolution. Its functions are avoidance of pain and the satisfaction of basic needs. It understands, learns and responds on the most primitive level, and influences feelings like fear, pleasure and relief.

What happens when you burn yourself? You're afterwards more likely to instinctively recoil from anything hot. In that sense, it's a vital part of the brain.

However, it cannot exercise rational judgment, or weigh options, and the theory is that in addicts, it's as if it's been "trained" to associate everything to do with pleasure and relief with the substance, or behavior, in question. It can be so powerful that it overrides the neocortex, so that in effect, even though you KNOW that what you're doing isn't good for you -- whether it's eating to exhaustion or drinking until you pass out -- it's almost as if you've been hijacked by your own brain.

Reading about this was enormously comforting to me in early recovery. Being able to wrap my peabrain around a biological reason made it somewhat easier to deal with the urges. I began to think of this part of my brain as a big, dumb, somewhat well intentioned ogre, and whenever I'd find myself desperately wanting a drink, I'd have a little exchange with it:

OGRE: Mad! Sad! Want drink now!
ME: Sorry, we can't do that.
OGRE: But drink make feel better! Make feel good!
ME: Well, no, it doesn't. It makes us feel pretty shitty, really. Let's give it a few minutes. Let's go for a walk or call someone instead.

And that's how I spent the first few months of sobriety.

It's been a lot more than that. Beyond rewiring my brain to look at the Big Picture as it applies to drinking, I've had less success in applying that to other things. In not wanting to deal with discomfort at any level, or in chasing some obviously stupid "high," I have sometimes engaged in some truly vile, shitty behavior, with a drink never once even entering the picture. Lather, rinse, repeat. It's hard to accept sometimes that certain behaviors, and even certain people, can have the same emotionally, mentally and spiritually crippling effect over me as alcohol did. But they do, and I'm right back to talking the big dumb ogre out of smashing and plundering the wee little village of my heart.

lisamcc at 4:33 p.m.

2 comments so far
Lynette
2008-05-20 22:33:38
Hmmm. That is really interesting to know. About the big dumb ogre part of our brains. That makes my own addictive struggles make a bit more sense. Seriously, you rock. You really do. And this post is just one of many reasons why I really really really like you. And you thought it was just your boobs!
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Jess
2008-05-22 13:43:36
You might want to look at learning about balancing your dopamine & serotonin levels. I know those are directly relate to addiction. People with ADD tend to have low dopamine levels which is why they're more prone to addiction. And when you take anti-depressants, it raises your serotonin levels which causes a dip in your dopamine. And ADD meds like adderall raise your dopamine which causes a dip in your serotonin. It's all pretty interesting stuff, actually. I'm only just learning about it, myself (after going off Adderall).
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