2005-03-15
ZITS
When did I become this walking anachronistic SHE-BEAST?! Honest to fuck, chickens, every day in front of that mirror is a new, epic confrontation.
So, besides the usual battles with the chin whisker that I have to tweeze out at least once a week, and the burst capillaries I deal with more or less constantly (I have one now right over my upper lip, prompting well-meaning coworkers to inform me that my "lipstick is smeared." Yah, thanks), right now I'm enduring this POX of ZITS. I've got two on my forehead (and one of 'em's this real gnarly, pulsating CYST thing), one on my chin, and one really hellaciously PAINFUL one.....IN MY EYEBROW. That one feels like it's connected to every goddamn nerve in my body.
Chickens, what the FUCK? I am 34 years old and dealing with skin problems the likes of which I never had during my formative years, when my morning ablutions were limited to that which I took care of in the shower. I literally could have rubbed an entire bag of potato chips on my face back then and still glowed like the dewey adolescent flower that I was.
Now, oh -- NOW I take meticulous care of my mug. I wash with a mild foaming cleanser in the morning, followed by toner and a light, hypoallergenic moisturizer from C.O. Bigelow. I drink at least 3 liters of water a day, and at night I wash with a more hardcore cleanser, followed yet again by the toner and then a more hardcore "night moisturizer." And most of the time, my skin looks quite nice.
This week, though (and it's gotta be stress er sumpin', because I just got off the rag last week, and -- OK -- I know that my brother is reading this now and getting massively skeeved out, but tough darts. I FINISHED my PERIOD last week, so it's not PMS), I am breaking out like nothing I've ever seen.
So the first thing I did was cut out the night moisturizer, and then I applied little blobbies of this Benefit stuff, but these zits were NOT having it. So I broke out the heavy artillery -- the Joey New York chin breakout shit that smells like burning hair. No dice.
Stumped, and now beginning to panic, I went the "folk remedy" route, and tried toothpaste. I whined to Paula about this the other night, since she was stupid enough to call me while she was on her evening stroll.
"Toothpaste ALWAYS works, Felchie," she said.
"But it's NOT WORKING."
"What kind are you using? Because it HAS to be the paste kind, not the gel."
"Right, yeah. Um, it's Tom's of Maine."
"Well, that's your problem right there. You can't use that fuckin' stupid hippie shit. You need the stuff with CHEMICALS. You need just plain old Colgate."
"I guess."
"And let me tell you, if THAT doesn't work -- you get you some Preparation H and some Visine. Dude, that's what models do. The Visine reduces the redness, and then the ass cream reduces the swelling. I swear to GOD. Do you have Prep H in the house now?"
"Um..."
"Make the houseboy go out and get some..." (As if he could hear BOTH sides of the conversation, said houseboy wandered into the living room and announced: "I am NOT going ANYWHERE tonight.")
"Did you hear that?"
"Yes. What the HELL? Aaron would TOTALLY go out and buy me ass cream, and not only that, he'd ask me if I wanted TAMPONS, too."
"He's a good bitch."
"He is. I'm totally keeping him. Anyway, you mark my words -- Preparation H."
Yesterday I went out and bought Clearasil, which I've NEVER bought, EVER. I felt so awkward about it that I also bought a bottle of Fiji "artesian water" and a bag of roasted soy nuts, so that the lady at the counter would KNOW that I was a GROWNUP.
I think the Preparation H is not far behind.
lisamcc at 7:14 p.m.
3 comments so far
andrea
2005-03-15 20:04:27
I feel your pain. I have a chin whisker as well (more than one, to be honest) that I am obsessed with plucking. And I spend hours staring in the mirror at my skin and wondering what the hell happened.
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scottski
2005-03-15 20:53:36
ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding? father-o'-the-bride's windex remedy (for, say, everything) works, by gawd. i was dealing with a miniVesuvius on my forehead, a while back... dabbed some window cleaner on (in desperation, since it was the only thing close), and... RESULTS! must have been the alcohol.... externally, in this case.
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Ladybug
2005-03-16 09:30:19
I had an adult breakout a few weeks ago and you know what worked? I ceased all regular moisturizers and started using olive oil instead. You only need a tiny bit. I know it sounds like madness, but my skin is now soft and supple and totally zit-less.
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