2005-03-07

One year

Almost exactly a year now since you've gone and yet you're still around, sometimes leaving memories like tiny little presents on my doorstep. I write them down as you leave them for me: we used to go to the Kash-n-Karry in Dade City and fondle the produce just to see if anyone would notice; Dan came over one night wearing sweatpants so we made him watch gay porn with us; we called ourselves the Vulgar Twins. I grab onto each memory as it pops back up onto the mindscreen. I want them all back; I want the minutiae, and some days I would trade this very moment to get back just one full day that we spent together, although most days it's enough to know that we laughed a lot, even if all the punchlines never come back.

I can't quite bring myself to clean my closet. I remembered all the weekends we'd go out and scour the thrift stores. Do I still have any of the things we bought? I can't get rid of them, even if they're stained or don't fit anymore.

I'm not entitled to the grief, I think, sometimes. I wasn't there when you were dying, didn't know that you were dying. I dreamed once that I was standing next to you but you didn't remember who I was. I woke up brokenhearted and I prayed to whatever would listen for some kind of resolution. And then I opened an email from a friend of yours: "He loved you and everything in me says he would want you know that in the wake of his death."

We get what we need, always.

lisamcc at 9:18 p.m.

1 comments so far
Tina
2005-03-08 18:38:38
My friend Rick killed himself almost 2 years ago now. I have many great memories of him and yet, during the last year of his life, had really no contact with him. I think the last email I sent him, was one in response to an email he sent me of a picture of his new BMW. I called him a geek for sending pictures of his car. I don't think I received another email from him after that. I am glad that David's friend emailed you to let you know how much he loved you. I can understand how you needed that.
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