2004-11-20

Yankee Candles Suck!

"I can't remember the name but there is one that smells like a French whore."

"I know the one you're talking about. It's called French Whore."
--Noise Board thread about Yankee Candles.

The houseboy and I ducked into the drugstore today and were promptly lured, as if by some spectre, into the tinsel-bedecked center aisle specifically reserved for "Seasonal Items."

There, amidst tree-shaped Marshmallow Peeps� (an anomaly if ever there was one) and cheap sno-globes, was an assortment of Yankee Candle rip-offs, in "scents" selected, one would presume, for their "resemblance" to gingerbread or whatever-the-fuck. Because, you know, it's not enough for your house to look festive this time of year; it must also give off periodic whiffs of vaguely-petroleum-based festivity.

I hate Yankee Candles.

Okay, maybe that's harsh. I am one of those unfortunate souls who simply can't bear a whole bunch of smells mixed together. The laundry detergent aisle. Magazines with myriad perfume ads. And Yankee Candles.

Yeah....no. Fuck it. I hate Yankee Candles.

There's a Yankee Candle store at the Prudential Center. I have to steer clear the fuck away of the place; to walk right by it is to instantly invite a pounding, pummeling Baroque headache. The inside of that place is a dense, olfactory assault like no other. It's like being held down by two 300-lb French whores, while a mall Santa, redolent of peppermint and pine needles, shoves cinnamon sticks and potpourri up your nose and into your sinus cavities.

I hate Yankee Candles.

lisamcc at 8:05 p.m.

5 comments so far
Gimpy OldLady
2004-11-21 06:41:42
Damn!! Now what am I going to get you for Christmas?
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Marquis
2004-11-22 07:58:22
And what makes you think that the Yankee Candles don't hate YOU?
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scottski
2004-11-22 17:53:32
same thing with "crafts" stores... aka Potpourri Hell. and, why the hell do they scent toilet paper, anyway? ain't nuthin' gonna overpower butthole, nosir.
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scottski
2004-11-22 18:14:24
same thing with "crafts" stores... aka Potpourri Hell. and, why the hell do they scent toilet paper, anyway? ain't nuthin' gonna overpower butthole, nosir.
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Honey
2004-11-26 04:04:22
No. Shit.
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