2003-09-12

Keyboard creeps

I was sitting at my desk just now, and for the first time in what must be at least a year, I noticed how absolutely filthy and vile my keyboard was. I mean, seriously disgusting, chickens. This was the keyboard of a late night troll, the kind of person who sits in his or her underpants and repeatedly types "A/S/L?" in NASCAR chatrooms; a socially inept, unkempt and unwashed scourge who incessantly posts to guestbooks and message boards under different names.

You could carbon-date the collected fingertip smegma caked around the ENTER and ALT keys.

I was horrified. How many people had looked over my shoulder or gone to shut down an application in my absence and beheld the disgraceful condition of my keyboard?

"Say, Amanda," I breezily asked my coworker, "do you know if we have, like, a bottle of rubbing alcohol around? And, um, some Q-Tips? Like, a whole BUNCH of them?"

She looked at me quizzically. "You could try the medicine cabinet in the break room."

I immediately scattered several empty manila file folders to cover the hideous filth and beat a hasty retreat to the break room medicine cabinet, where in short order I emptied it of almost a full box of "antiseptic wipes" and got down to business.

(As an aside, I also noticed a can of "spray on blood clotter" which I was sorely tempted to bring home, because it struck me as being quite funny, and a great addition to the oddities I've collected on our living room bookshelves, alongside my "aerosol love spray," my "jinx remover powder," and my tiny spray vial of "That New Car Smell.")

The filth that I wiped up was staggering. It was actually enormously satisfying in a perverse kind of way. Once I'd cleaned each and every key, I went and got one of those cans of compressed air and blasted out all the dust bunnies from inside the keyboard. THEN I opened up the mouse and went in with another antiseptic wipe and cleaned the little heads � the crap that was stuck in there, chickens � amazing!

My boss peered out from his office, seeing me standing in the middle of my cube, banging my keyboard against my knees, my hair knotted up in a scarf, looking for all the world like an old washer woman. "Whatcha doin' there, Lees?"

"I can't deal with my keyboard, Howie...it's seriously wicked disgusting."

"I see."

lisamcc at 1:25 p.m.

6 comments so far
grouse
2003-09-12 14:12:56
Now you got me too grossed out to touch my own. Thanks so much. Gotta go find some wipes...
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Houseboy
2003-09-12 16:42:22
I make a habit of spilling something on mine every six months or so, and then making the University buy me a new one. No wonder tuition keeps going up.
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lily
2003-09-12 22:52:49
I know the way my own keyboard gets. You made me look again at the keyboard. I think someone spilled cola, tea, so now on your account, I have to clean mine too. ooooh, I could beat you up for this.LOL I am just kidding. I look like the way you describe your keyboard. I need a nail file, some hair spray, some makeup remover, and all for upon my cheeks, which stay pink, no matter what I do to them. I guess that part is good. You are a good listener too. I can tell. You do not strike me as a true blue snob or slob...neither one. I think you are like many of us. I often take a second or two to look around, and see cob webs above my head, nearer to the ceiling, where no one looks. I hope. You take it easy this weekend. I hope to get some sleep myself. Lily
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gorda
2003-09-14 01:08:09
I couldnt desribe a dirty keyboard better myself. Dont feel so bad. My last keyboard before i got a new laptop was so bad ur figers would stick to the keys a little bit. Pretty gross i know but hey at least i knwo its normal now
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Megan
2003-09-15 07:43:34
You're hilarious, I feel like saying the cliche things people say about comedians: "They're saying what we're all thinking!" ....as in my keyboard is also bloody disgusting and there is perverse satisfaction in cleaning troll keyboards ;o)
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Disgruntled Sister
2003-09-17 16:43:45
When are you going to write something touching and sweet about the memory and passing of our dear friend John????? Can you at least acknowledge his passing, damnit?
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