2000-05-25

Pop Culture Hag

Foul! Foul! Foul!

I must respond to the vicious attack on my character, perpetrated by my own husband, yet!

Lissen up: I watch MTV because I have to.

Nobody knows what it's like to have been designated, from the womb, as a Chronicler of Pop Culture. Nobody. The privilege of it. But the agony of it, too. The anguish. Nobody wants to play Trivial Pursuit with me.

I can't ever remember where I put my fucking wallet but I can recite, from memory, every line from Vaughan Meader's The First Family LP.

It's my mother's fault. All of us kids were fed a steady diet of Allan Sherman, the Ink Spots, and showtunes, on top of whatever else happened to be popular at the time. Rankin-Bass. Davey & Goliath. The result being that my brother and sister and I are Human Warehouses of Useless Information. It's a wonder that all three of us managed to escape getting our asses kicked. She reads this thing, too, so everybody chant together: "BLAME BETTY!" She'll hear you.

Kev doesn't understand. He just doesn't understand. Sniff.

Anyway, my big thing now? N*Sync. For sure.

I find it almost impossible, despite my impeccable pedigree as a third-tier local music celebrity, to hate N*Sync. They're all such nice boys. Especially that Joey Fatone. I'm an old married lady, but Joey Fatone really greases my gears. I was watching "Making the Video" on MTV last night, and as I sat there nursing a warm Bass Ale, I was struck by how utterly approachable Joey Fatone seemed to be. Like, it would not be beyond reason to imagine that Joey Fatone would sit on my back porch with me, playing poker and drinking cheap beer. I could belch in front of Joey Fatone.

The only thing is, is that I suspect that Joey Fatone prefaces everything he says with "Dude...", and that would just bug the crap out of me after awhile.

I even went so far as to do some research on Joey Fatone, filing it all away in the mental drawer marked "Popstars Most Likely To Turn Out Completely Normal" and I found out that he's an Aquarius, is 7 years younger than I am (a fact which I find very hard to believe), is a Superman fanatic, is afraid of commitment (How human! The right girl will change all that!), and is a big, fat flirt. My kind of guy! Joey Fatone is welcome at my next BBQ!

lisamcc at 00:32:15

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