2007-12-11

The Golden Fezziwigs

I've been engrossed in a project of my own assigning for the past week or so: watching eighty million different versions of "A Christmas Carol." And believe me when I say that there truly are EIGHTY MILLION VERSIONS.

I mean -- did YOU know that there was a FLINTSTONES Christmas Carol? I sure as hell didn't.

I decided, just now, to have myself a little awards ceremony. The...Golden Fezziwig Awards. Yeah.

BEST BOB CRATCHIT: David Warner, from the '84 version.

Unlike most of the bumbling, milquetoast portrayals out there, Warner's Cratchit is magnificently weary-yet-determined. You FEEL for the guy, even though he's father to arguably the most annoying Tiny Tim in film history, which brings me to...

TINY TIM YOU SORT OF WISH ACTUALLY *DOES* DIE AT THE END: Anthony Walters, from the '84 version. He's probably the puniest, and certainly the most genuinely SICKLY-looking Tim of the lot, but he's so utterly annoying that you're kind of hoping they'll rewrite the ending: "...and to Tiny Tim, who DID die, Scrooge wasn't much of a second father. But he erected a park bench in his honour." I couldn't find a picture of his jaundiced, pitiful mug, so in his place I will show that of the first runner-up, Terry Kilburn (from the '38 version.)

Kilburn hails from the unfortunately rich tradition of Bug-Eyed, Stupid Tiny Tims. Actually, this can't totally be held against Kilburn, because in the '38 version, ALL of the Cratchit children bounce around hooting like crack-addled gibbons. Pity they're not ALL tubercular.

BEST GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Joel Grey, from the '99 version. Because it's JOEL GREY, that's why.

BEST GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: John Taylor, from the otherwise pretty awful A Diva's Christmas Carol.

Have mercy. I need to excuse myself for a few minutes.

Actually, you know what? This one's a tie. Because I almost forgot about Carol Kane's sadomasochistic turn in Scrooged.

BIGGEST TEARJERKER MOMENT:

God, this just KILLS me. Every single time.

And finally...

BEST SCROOGE: George C. Scott. Hands the fuck down.

I know some of you are going to cry foul here, and I suspect that you're all firmly in the Alastair Sim camp (hi, Ma!). Tough darts. It's MY awards show. Go make your own show if you think Sim is better than Scott. You're WRONG, but be my guest.

lisamcc at 9:27 p.m.

8 comments so far
lj lindhurst
2007-12-11 23:03:19
George C. Scott. I would totally tap that!
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michael
2007-12-12 09:30:19
loved the suzi banner! be back to check you out more soon :)
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Tina
2007-12-12 09:43:21
George C. Scott. Without a doubt, the best.
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mumma
2007-12-12 10:16:37
Alastair Sim...Alastair Sim...Alastair Sim...Alastair Sim... SO THERE......
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Suldog
2007-12-12 13:13:22
Great Choices! George C. Scott's Scrooge is to the other Scrooges as the Patriots are to other football teams these days. No contest. And I have always been an enormous fan of the Mister Magoo version. It is remarkably well done, but not a lot of folks will find that out, having pre-conceived notions concerning Magoo and/or cartoons. A shame.
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scurvyann
2007-12-12 13:58:39
*SNIIIIFFFFF!* the mr. magoo christmas carol is my absolute favorite, and the young ebeneezer part ALWAYS makes me cry. FLASHBACK: walking home from school one day as a lass, feelin' sad and lonely, and SINGING THIS SONG as i walked. poor sad lonely little scurvyann....*SNIFFFFFFFFF!* ...then i sang the razzleberry dressing song to try to cheer myself up!!!
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c.
2007-12-13 15:24:08
um, you're brilliant. hooray for banners getting me here. GENIUS!
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vikkitikkitavi
2007-12-13 17:26:32
I saw Patrick Stewart do his one-man show of a Christmas Carol, and it was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen on stage. When he did Mrs. Cratchit, I almost peed myself laughing. Too bad the tv version he did kinda sucked. But if he ever revives his one-man show again -- GO!
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