2002-10-16

1984 House

Last night the houseboy and I got sucked into one of those historical reality shows, "Surviving the Iron Age," in which a bunch of modern-day folks think it'd be an enriching experience to live in roundhouses and milk goats for seven weeks. To be fair, I seemed to be watching the first episode, as most of the people hadn't quite shed their 21st century baggage and weren't entirely ready to play Suck Up And Deal�. Brenda, for example, didn't join the first communal meal, as she was off sulking about not having "felt like part of the community" by virtue of not having helped forage for the necessary plant life to create the stewish muck watched over by the slap-happy, Puckish, militant vegetarian/neo-Pagan Chris. I sat there, all cozily indignant on my couch, and hollered at Brenda: "Get OVER IT! Sweetheart, you are not going to last TEN MINUTES with that kind of thinking! There are no �Chicken Soup for the Soul' book in friggin' 43 AD!"

And now there's The 1940's House, which should certainly be interesting, but it got me to thinking about creating my own series, called "1984 House." Orwellian overtones aside, I think this would make for some fascinating television:

Welcome to "1984 House." We have selected a "modern" American family, the Bilgewaters, to live for seven weeks in conditions replicating those of 1984. Don, a day trader, and his wife, Debbie Drudge-Bilgewater, an account representative, are joined by their two children: Brittany, 13, and Parker,11. We meet up with the Bilgewaters on their first day...

We're excited.

We are. Debbie and I, we've �

We are very excited. I think it'll be a very....a really....let me tell you, I took several sociology courses when I was in school and I'm very interested in....how....how...well, how this will affect our family unit, you know, the dynamics and that sort of thing. Don't you think that'll be so interesting, Don?"

Yes. I �

And the kids, well, they're thrilled.

Day Two. A routine search of the incoming bags of the Bilgewater family has yielded contraband, in the form of a portable CD Walkman and a copy of Creed's most recent album, released in 2001. 13-year-old Brittany is questioned. It is explained to her that she must listen only to artists popular in 1984, and through the time-appropriate devices. Brittany is disappointed, but agrees. Research is done to find the 1984 equivalent of Creed vocalist Scott Stapp and his brooding, bombastic, pseudo-sensitive posturing, and it is suggested that Brittany temporarily develop a fixation on Journey frontman Steve Perry.

Ew.

Day Four. Problems arise when 11-year-old Parker, having gone several days without his cocktail of various behavioral and mood-leveling medications, begins to "act out."

This (EXPLETIVE DELETED). I'm (EXPLETIVE DELETED) bored.

Parker, honey, that's two bad words. If we were in 2002, that'd be two whole dollars in the "Bad Word Jar." Since it's 1984, you need to put 50 cents in the jar, okay, honey?

(EXPLETIVE DELETED) that (EXPLETIVE DELETED). I wanna play my Gameboy.

We talked about this last week, Parker. You can't have your Gameboy because they didn't have them back then.

Parker's ensuing tantrum results in the destruction of the family room's Betamax. Hurriedly, the research team provides Parker with a handheld game, Casio's "Circus Kong."

What the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) is this (EXPLETIVE DELETED)?

Day Eight. Brittany is in the throes of a complete breakdown, having been separated from her computer and pager for over a week. When not catatonic, she speaks only in chatroom acronyms.

Brittany? Brittany?

OMG!

Brittany, it's okay. It's only for a few weeks.

= O!!!

Please, Brittany. Why don't you listen to your records, honey? That "Oh Sherrie" song is very pretty. I danced to it at my prom....

ROTFLMAO!

Unfortunately, the Bilgewaters found that they could not adjust to the primitive conditions of the 1984 household, leaving the house in the middle of the night on Day 10...

lisamcc at 11:13 a.m.

previous | next