2001-10-01

Cleansed

OK, I'd been planning on writing about this, but then I scrapped the idea, fearing that it might be "inappropriate," but then I thought the better of it.

Because it's about POOP, okay?

Last week I started this Herbal Cleanse Program, where I take a barrage of pills at very set times of the day, drink gallons of water, and eat scary things like kale.

A typical day on the Program goes something like this:

AM: Wake up. Take Thistle Supplement, which is supposed to detox my toxified liver (2 capsules). Take 6-10 capsules of the Cleansing Supplement. All capsules to be taken with purified water, no sooner than a half-hour before I eat. NO COFFEE ALLOWED.

9AM - Noon: Drink at least 3 20 fl. ounces of purified water. Pee every ten minutes.

Lunch: only green, leafy things allowed, or lentils. Maybe both. More water.

PM: Come home. Take Thistle Supplement, which is supposed to detox my toxified liver (2 capsules). Take 6-10 capsules of the Cleansing Supplement. All capsules to be taken with purified water, no sooner than a half-hour before I eat. NO BEER ALLOWED.

Bedtime: Take 2 laxatives with more water.

Exciting, no?

You might be wondering why I am subjecting myself to such a rigorous, and decidedly unpleasant, experience. I want to see what happens. Will I feel markedly better after 2 weeks of denying myself all that I hold Near & Dear: curry fries, Tremont Ale, donuts, and Jack Daniels? Will it matter?

Anyway, the box in which all of the supplements came warned: "You may notice a difference in bowel movements."

Hot damn! Sign me up. If it's one thing I'm up for, it's a good bowel movement. I'm the most fecally-fixated person I know, besides maybe my sister.

And boy howdy, let me tell you something about this Herbal Cleanse: lately I've enjoyed up to THREE quality bowel movements PER DAY. Amazing!

The first morning, though, I fretted and pouted -- much more than usual -- enough to prompt the houseboy to ask me what was wrong (usually he just sits there and drinks his coffee, reading the newspaper and absentmindedly scratching himself).

"What's wrong, hon?"

"I don't feel very cleansed. And I took that laxative last night and haven't pooped yet."

"Lees, you've only been on it ONE DAY."

"I know," I whined, "But I want to feel cleansed NOW!"

All that changed on Friday morning. I got up and had me a most incredible bowel movement, without even having to drink that all-important first cup of coffee.

It was magnificent; I felt like I'd lost five pounds right then and there.

Elated, I triumphantly rushed into the kitchen to inform the houseboy.

His response?

"I hope you lit a match; I gotta go in there and shave."

Philistine.

I'm several days into it now and I must say I feel pretty good. Must be all the kale.

lisamcc at 7:46 p.m.

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