2001-02-23

Panic

Well, tomorrow afternoon is the first official "practice" for the Sub-Pars, the groovy new group I've started with Bo, Paula and Jaime.

I am absolutely terrified.

I have this recurring nightmare that I'm going to climb behind that kit, and promptly forget everything I've learned in the 2+ years I've been playing drums. I'm going to play with the precision and accuracy of my 9-month-old niece (who - granted - rocks out for someone who's just managed the eye-hand coordination to eat raisins one at a time), horrifying my new bandmates, who will smile indulgently at me until I leave, whereupon they will discuss my prowess (or lack thereof) in terms so terrible as to make Jesus Christ want to drink straight gin out of the cat's dish.

Then they'll stop inviting me over to play poker.

I know I'm being ridiculous. I just have this...thing...about bashing around with real musicians.

The ironic thing is, is that I do have a modicum of credibility in that I've actually had a bit of formal training on guitar (lessons from fifth grade up through sophomore year in high school, plus three years of classical while I was in college). Does anybody actually see me in the act of playing? No, because I absolutely cannot play guitar in front of other people. I freeze. I choke up. I panic.

There is no logical explanation for this. None. I could speculate that perhaps the reason for this musical blockage of mine is that the act of playing my guitar is intensely personal and sacred, like it's akin to being naked or something. I think it's closer to the truth that it's more like being caught picking my nose: in its own way, it's very enjoyable, but it's not exactly something I want everyone to see.

Drums are different. It's like being given free reign to act like a spastic goof back there, since - really - nobody's paying any attention to me.

lisamcc at 17:23:00

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