2009-07-20

Why I sort of CAN'T quit Facebook.

Conversations like this one. My cousin Mike and I ponder the deep shit, we really do:

Mike Burchett always wondered, if given a long enough timeline, could Zombies become connoisseurs of brains?

Lisa McColgan: This would depend largely on which narrative we're talking about. Romero zombies - largely considered to be the prototype - are thoroughly cannibalistic.

However, since "Day of the Dead" (and more recently "Land of the Dead") introduced the idea that zombies can retain some semblance of their former selves, it would stand to reason that if they were fussy eaters prior to infection, they could carry some of this into their consumption of the living.

Mike Burchett: "Land of the Dead" is really where this thinking seeded from. Since it was so far after the events of "Night of The Living Dead" that Zombies have regained some cognitive habits and processes.

So the question is, following that logic: could an upwardly mobile, young, professional Zombie tell the difference between human brains from, say, MIT, and an Ed Hardy outlet store employee? Is it just like "Brains, brains, brains" all the time, or would previously described Zombie shuffle about areas known to be centers of intelligent people because that's where the best brains are?

Or are brains like pizza to Zombies, even when it's bad, ehh, it's still brains?

Lisa McColgan: Well, this is where we get into the strictly brainivorous zombie (from the "Return of the Living Dead" series). We are told that these unfortunates need brains to relieve the pain of decomposition.

So basically, yeah - a brain is a brain is a brain, although the brains of someone who regularly ingests intoxicants (legal or illegal) might be somewhat preferable.

Mike Burchett: Yes, but humans need water to survive, and most agree there's a difference in taste between tap and filtered. Ergo, a preference.

And I don't know about the intoxicants, I would think that ruins not just the taste, but also the texture of brains. Kind of like poorly pickled cauliflower. I think a tasty brain would be a smart person's brain. You know, active, well cared for.

But I could see a math addict's being like milk-fed veal.

Lisa McColgan: I mention the intoxicants only insofar as they would provide an additional "numbing" effect, if we are operating under the assumption that zombies eat brains as a means of pain management.

But do we think that there's such a thing as a "junk food brain," then? Somebody who watches nothing but reality television and genuinely enjoys the music of John Mayer might be considered the cranial equivalent of a Twinkie, perhaps, or a bag of Funyuns.

Mike Burchett: I would think that the "numbing" effect of the brains would be a natural additive. Like Omega 3 Fatty Acids in Salmon (similar texture!).

But I see what you're saying. "The Hills" and Rob Schneider movies would be your veritable high-fructose corn syrup.

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I DID mention we're related, right?

That's what makes it completely awesome. Or profoundly fucked up.

Whatever.

lisamcc at 7:21 p.m.

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