2009-07-16

Facebook: ur doin it rong.

We interrupt the Ogunquit Travelogue Extraordinaire to bring you a not-very-important announcement.

Facebook: I'm gettin' ready to quit the bitch.

No, not really. But I am beginning to detect in myself the very behavior patterns that I found so distasteful when I was on MySpace. And these have been further exacerbated by the number of additional infantile bells-n-whistles that are readily available on Facebook. So I am calling myself out in the hopes that in doing so, I will stop the abuse.

Here is an example of what Facebook is good for: yesterday, my friend Bob - who spends a good deal of time in Italy - posted that he overheard Laura Branigan's "Gloria" being sung at a karaoke night and thought it sounded better in Italian. Being the vast warehouse of useless information that I am, I was able to inform him that "Gloria" was, in fact, ORIGINALLY in Italian (Umberto Tozzi).

I use this as an example for a few reasons. Facebook enables me to be in touch with Bob, a high school pal. I am able to ascertain that Bob spends a lot of time in Italy, which I find interesting. I was able to flex a nerd muscle or two yesterday by informing him that Branigan's "Gloria" is in fact a cover, which HE found interesting. Everybody wins.

If I could force myself to limit my Facebook activity to exchanges such as these, I would not be feeling so conflicted. In the spirit of honesty and telling on myself, here are some of the things I find appalling about Facebook as regards my myriad personality flaws:

1) The "like" option. If you are not on Facebook, let me first congratulate you. Then let me explain that on Facebook, one is able to express approval at something someone else has posted, by simply clicking on the word "like." This lets your friend know that you are paying attention. You need not respond any further. You CAN, of course, but let's face it: you don't have time. You have 479 other friends with shit you have to "like." Plus you have to do that "15 Random Songs On My iPod" meme so everyone can see what awesome taste in music you have.

2) The "Maybe Attending" Option. Similar in spirit to "like," this acknowledges receipt of your friend's invitation to attend his or her band's show/poetry reading/upcoming production of "The Fantasticks." Generally speaking, it is understood that when you respond that you are "maybe attending," it really means you probably AREN'T.

3) Apps. You know what I'm talking about. "So-and-so sent you a HUG!" "So-and-so threw an acid-filled water balloon at you!" "So-and-so keeps sending you a Long Island Iced Tea even though so-and-so knows you're a recovering alcoholic!" Look, I KNOW it's not real. But it's rude. Cut it out.

4) Flagrant abuse of status updates. This ranges from "I am eating a sandwich" to "OMG I feel so fat everybody tell me I'm not fat kthx?" Which you don't literally say, obviously, but you leave the door open so that people WILL tell you that you're, like, totally skinny. Or totally smart. Or totally NOT an attention whore. Whatever.

Look, I'm just telling it like it is. And when I point the finger, I do so knowing that at least three fingers are pointed back at ME.

I'd tell myself to grow up, but that would mean getting rid of my Facebook page.

lisamcc at 9:57 a.m.

7 comments so far
Spooney
2009-07-16 15:38:11
Rick likes Lisa McColgan's note.
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Cheryl
2009-07-16 15:57:24
Sounds like someone needs a rainbow butterfly sent to them...
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LisaMcC
2009-07-16 16:04:45
Can the rainbow butterfly be throwing a vodka tonic at me? NOW we're talkin'.
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Jess
2009-07-16 16:37:20
Is it wrong that I'm now slightly tempted to FB you a Long Island Ice Tea just to be an asshole?
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Mike Burchett
2009-07-16 17:24:20
But you are missing one of the most important features of the ol' Facebook (which I now pronounce like Das Boot). That fact that it encourages you to write in the third person gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.
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Lynette
2009-07-16 23:42:04
[like]
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gbf
2009-07-18 12:26:31
not Bob again.
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