2009-04-07
Do I get to have spring?
I know it's only been a few days, but when do you stop swinging like a pendulum do? Last night, I meditated a bit, had a good talk with Kevin, and went to bed feeling....almost calm and like things were going to be okay.
This morning I feel like I've got an anvil on my back, with several hairy gnomes stomping up and down all over it. Kevin and I were both moody and distant -- certainly not things we hadn't been before all of this -- but it was almost too much to take. I envisioned slamming doors and blowouts and one of us running out with a garbage bag full of random belongings. And this after we both talked about our expectations and hopes for one another the night before.
As I walked to the house from the subway station yesterday I saw that the daffodils were blooming, and I remembered thinking a couple of weeks ago, when they were just struggling through the mulch in the front yard, how happy I was that it was finally spring, after such a long and crappy winter.
And then I finally felt it -- anger.
Not at Kevin, not at anyone in particular, just at the fact that I was not going to be "rewarded" for making it through the sucktastic Winter of 2009. There will be fucking sunshine and fucking daffodils, but there will now also be taking-names-off-checking-accounts and trying-to-remember-who's-frying-pan-is-who's.
Breathe.
I have to remember that I also have people I can call, and people who call me. My friend Jon -- I've known him since I was 15 -- called me at work yesterday, in part to talk me out of the refrigerator box. Which he did. But I mentioned how I'm trying to keep things in perspective, because the situation isn't as bad as how some of my other friends have had it. Jon listened, and then told me a story, which I'm probably going to botch:
A man is in a hospital with two broken legs. It's going to be a long, painful recovery process. He looks across the hallway and sees another patient with terminal cancer. And he thinks, "Well, what am I complaining about? At least I don't have cancer."
Then Jon said, "And it's like, dude, you've got TWO BROKEN LEGS. It HURTS. Lees, your pain isn't any less real or your feelings any less valid just because things aren't as 'bad' as someone else's situation."
He's right. There's a difference between putting things in perspective and blowing them off.
I still can't really believe that this is my life right now. "Surreal" doesn't even begin to describe it. A week ago we were still kissing one another goodbye in the morning. Now I hear his radio alarm go off...in another room.
I know I'll get used to it. I have to get used to it.
But lord god, all I really want to do is curl up into a ball. I need to have a vision of myself a year from now, stronger and hopefully not 25 pounds lighter - you know, the one that periodically comes out of nowhere right now to tell me to brush my teeth - and move towards her. One step at a time.
lisamcc at 1:58 p.m.
3 comments so far
PK
2009-04-08 05:07:00
I hear ya. I'm hearin ya.
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Jess
2009-04-08 14:46:36
Don't forget, you're going through the worst of it now. It does get better, I promise.
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hub
2009-04-09 03:06:59
Two priests are standing at the urinals. One priest looks over at the other's penis and notices a small square. "What's that?" he asks. "Oh, that's the patch" replies the priest. "Isn't that supposed to be on your shoulder?" "No no. It's totally working. I'm down to two butts a day" Hope that helps.
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Stumble It!
