2009-01-29

Hell's Jukebox

As many folks know, I think of myself as an agnostic. Is there a God? Dunno. I just don't reckon you can PROVE it either way. Perhaps people on both ends of the spectrum -- atheists and believers -- would have me believe this is a wussy way to go through life. What I have learned, particularly in sobriety, is that one can have faith without believing that some deity has your back.

But this is neither here nor there. I don't know about GOD, but I'm pretty certain that there's a HELL, and that in Hell, there's a jukebox.

I posted on Facebook yesterday that I had a really shitty song stuck in my head. No, I had the SHITTIEST SONG EVER stuck in my head. I then opened the room for a show of hands: did anyone care to venture a guess as to what this song was?

The responses poured in from across the country. And I realized that what my friends were doing was STOCKING HELL'S JUKEBOX.

It was largely assumed, by many of my friends, that this was the offending ditty. It is, to be sure, tremendously shitty. It's made all the more shitty when one realizes that this was the bitter end of a musical path that gave us "White Rabbit" not 20 years earlier.

Cocaine is BAD, kids, nnnnkay? This is horrible for a number of reasons, not the least of which is Murphy's reedy warble, which Rick James seems to think is AWESOME, the way he pummels the air in triumph from behind the controls.

I'm not quite sure if I can go all the way here and say that this is the shittiest song ever...mainly because of the fact that after all these years, it's still hilarious.

Finally, I let the shitty cat out of the shitty bag, so to speak, and revealed that the shittiest song in the world, to MY mind, is this one:

I realize that I run the risk of drawing the ire of dozens of Steve Perry fans by saying this. Steve Perry is a fine vocalist with a rich catalogue. But I'm sorry, "Foolish Heart" SUCKS. You know what it is? It's the soundtrack to HORROR. It's the piddly, bleating synthesizer that's barely covering your despair. It's the song that's playing while you're on hold waiting for the results of your colonoscopy. It's the song that's playing at 3 in the morning at the 24-hour CVS while you're buying a home pregnancy test.

And it's the most popular song on Hell's Jukebox. I'm quite sure of it.

lisamcc at 8:18 p.m.

8 comments so far
vikkitikkitavi
2009-01-30 22:24:25
The last time I heard it, it was the song I heard at the grocery store whilst lamenting that once again, they have randomly decided to stop carrying my preferred brand/size tampons. So I'm right there with ya, sweetie.
-------------------------------

Stephen
2009-01-31 06:34:45
I think you're right about the Steve Perry, though I think it might be Oh Sherry that's the most popular. I'm pretty sure you'd find some Mr. Mister, The Outfield, Huey Lewis and the News, and Genesis post-peter gabriel, including the Phil Collins solo and Mike and the Mechanics stuff on there as well.
-------------------------------

thor, god of thunder
2009-01-31 08:28:30
dear god, they play all of these at work. I'VE BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG; I WORK IN HELL.
-------------------------------

Jess
2009-01-31 19:00:54
I kind of LOVE "We Built This City!" I can't help it. Don't you judge me! Also, being agnostic may be wussy, but I think being either a full-blown believer or an athiest is rather arrogant.
-------------------------------

Mel
2009-01-31 20:07:12
As much as I detest Journey (you are SO right about "Foolish Heart") Styx and Foreigner, my worst song of all time is "Muskrat Love." Excruciating.
-------------------------------

Honey
2009-02-01 12:36:17
What I remember about the Eddie Murphy song is that it was annoying even when I was into Top 40. Also, my brother turned it into "Potty all the time," which at our ages was HILARIOUS. I also remember that "We Built This City" used to be my favorite song EVER.
-------------------------------

Mumma
2009-02-02 02:41:30
Sorry...it's "Afternoon Delight." The worst song, by the worst group...ever...
-------------------------------

Jon Metters
2009-02-04 18:15:12
I actually LIKE "Afternoon Delight." The harmonies are pretty brilliant, if you ask me. Yup, I'm big friggin' loser. What I really want to know is: When did Joan Cusack join Jefferson Airplane? I hated it then, I hate it now. Love, Mott the Hooplah
-------------------------------

previous | next