2008-12-22

Awkward

I hit the 6 1/2 year mark last week, in terms of the whole bein' a nondrinker thing. And I hate to sound like a bitter little spore, but when am I going to have to stop explaining myself?

Or better still -- when am I going to accept that I have been written off as a total drag in some books?

I can be around the stuff. I had a table full of it behind me the other night and I would no sooner drink it than I would reach under the kitchen sink and have a Drano martini, shaken not stirred.

But there is a limit. There is a threshold which I've learned to try and not teeter on too much. If it's been a long day, if I'm tired or stressed or feeling like I'm not going to be bringing anywhere near my A Game, I don't go where there will be lots of alcohol.

There are days where I just don't feel like being a knife-juggling hemophiliac.

Don't get me wrong -- I have many, many friends who have been nothing but fantastic and supportive over the course of my recovery. But there's a definite feeling of solitude being the lone nondrinker, even amongst folks who are only having a beer or two. I say this as someone who was a solitary drinker in a room full of people, as someone who's never really quite felt a "part of." At 38, I'm still the awkward 12-year-old wandering around the cafeteria wondering where to sit. And maybe that's why I still feel like I have to make up some reason why I can't go to the huge party full of people I barely know, or the show that I know is going to be packed to the gills.

I like brunch. I like shopping. I like watching really stupid movies and ordering takeout. I like all kinds of stuff. And I realize that it's totally up to me to offer those alternatives when I can't -- for whatever reason -- go to this party or see that band.

Can I sit with you guys without everyone getting up and moving to another table?

lisamcc at 3:31 p.m.

4 comments so far
kellie b
2008-12-23 00:11:33
I have a feeling the people who make you feel like you have "splainin' to do" are just a bunch of uninteresting assholes that don't deserve getting the time of day from you. Congrats on 6 1/2 years.
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Spooney
2008-12-23 16:53:50
You're in like sin at my table anytime, kid!
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Toddlington
2008-12-24 19:08:39
I'm terribly sorry, but unless you're falling out of your chair and there's spit-up coursing down your blouse and your speech is dominated by runny vowel sounds, you'll have to find some Yuletide Cheer at someone else's table. I've got STANDARDS to uphold here! It's nothing personal.
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gayboyfriend
2008-12-29 02:06:26
If you are the kind of person who wandered around the cafeteria looking for a place to sit, then the world is a totally unfair place. But we both already know that. There's a seat next to me that's permanently marked "Lisa" and if anyone else sits there I will beat them up. There are solid gold chopsticks for takeout, a DVD that runs a nonstop loop of "Valley of the Dolls" and a friendly hand to hold when Creme of SumYungGuy and Patty Duke aren't enough.
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