2008-11-16

Real Dingbats of Atlanta

I've put it off long enough, but I cannot keep silent about it any longer.

"Real Housewives of Atlanta."

What the fuck?

I was told, by many respected members of my circle, that I should watch this. I figured, okay, "Project Runway" is over, "Rock of Love Charm School" is mildly entertaining although I feel as if I must don a hazmat suit to get through a single episode. Maybe I watch too much television. Do I watch too much television? Should I be using that hour each week more wisely? I could start another scarf. I could take a class. Maybe I could actually get through "Atlas Shrugged" and then sit with all the other assholes who say it changed their lives.

Right. "Real Housewives..." it is.

My God, you think you know something about stupid rich people, living in Boston. There is some seriously wackadoodle shit going on down there in Atlanta. You have these "housewives," who sit around in their opulently appointed McMansions, drink metric assloads of Chardonnay, and make up charitable foundations so they can throw lavish parties for themselves.

And then, Jesus...then there's KIM.

Trust me when I say this is a VERY flattering, heavily airbrushed picture of Kim. Execrable pageant dress and big hair aside, girlfriend looks rode hard and put away wet, and claims she's 29 to boot. This is a subject of much speculation, as well as a heavenly chorus of "Aw, HELL no" throughout the internet. There now seems to be every reason to take Kim at her word, which is to say that she actually IS 29. So take heed girls -- cigarettes, tanning, and a steady diet of Chardonnay and baby batter WILL TAKE THEIR TOLL. You'll be getting the Botox injections by age 24 -- just like Kim!

Kim lives in a "townhouse" (in one of those ghastly cookie-cutter "gated communities") with her two children, one of whom is given a Louis Vuitton handbag for her ELEVENTH birthday. We don't really know how Kim came into her vast wealth. We do know she has a boyfriend, who is never seen, and is only referred to as "Big Papa." I picture Big Papa as looking sort of like Burl Ives, only bedecked in heinous diamond-encrusted man-jewelry.

So big-mouthed, tell-it-like-it-IS NeNe has a few too many one night and says what we're ALL thinking about Kim, and when it gets BACK to Kim, she sends NeNe a TEXT MESSAGE telling her never to CALL HER AGAIN. OH NO SHE DI-INT. Do they have MySpace pages, too? Because they totally should. Kim's should have glittery pictures of cowgirls with fairy wings and shit. OMG!

Basically, what I'm learning from this show is that being rich makes you really, really bored. And if you didn't exactly EARN the money you're rolling in, you feel like you have to PROVE yourself in some capacity other than buying stuff. NeNe and DeShawn have their own foundations. Sheree has started a clothing line. Kim, not to be outdone, is trying to break out as a country western star. Never mind that she can't sing.

I've probably lost another 10 IQ points from watching this (adding to the 10 or so I lost from cringing through the first few episodes of "The Pickup Artist"). Now I'm just stupid, but none the richer for it. Where's MY Big Papa?

lisamcc at 7:34 p.m.



3 comments so far
mumma
2008-11-17 19:09:30
I admit...I succumbed one evening and started to watch this show...fascinated by Kim, she was looking for a voice teacher...poor woman, she mistakenly told her she didn't know anything about music...to which Diva responded, "Ah don' have t' know 'bout music...Ah'm a singer. Yikes..and then I saw a promo for the show in which she confessed that she is really a black woman in a white woman's body...well, if that doesn't put the Equal Rights struggle back a few pegs...what an insult to African-American women. If you want to have fun, watch The Dish and their take on these gals...lots of fun.
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vikkitikkitavi
2008-11-17 22:14:00
Yeah, no thanks. If I wanted to watch ignorant rich bitches push people around and spout nonsense, there are thousands of spots in LA where I could pull up a chair and take it all in without commercials.
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Marla
2008-11-18 21:42:09
I must tell you that we in Atlanta despise the show too. Also they're not really in Atlanta, they're in east assfuck suburbia if I remember correctly. Anyway, yeah, I don't live like that, I assure you. Heh.
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