2008-10-22

Here's your MYSTERY date!

In keeping with my recent theme of "scary stuff," I'd like for you all to meet the new face of TERROR:

This is "Mystery." And he's an ASSHAT.

Mr. Mystery is apparently a kingpin of what is known as the "seduction community." He has MAGICAL POWERS which render him capable of bagging any babe he sees. His dope mad seduction skillz are such that VH-1 has seen fit not only to give him his own "reality show," said show is now in its second season. In this show, Mystery assembles a group of socially inept fellows who, for myriad reasons, cannot score. He gives them Mystery-style makeovers, turning them into a veritable army of asshats, and coaches them in the elegant art of picking up chicks. Because Mystery is someone to look up to. Mystery can get ANY GIRL HE WANTS.

Scroll back up and take a look at this guy. There is so much WRONG here that I scarcely know where to begin. The smug smirk. The "soul patch." The GIANT FURRY HAT. The big red lips tattooed on his neck.

You allow yourself to be seduced by Mystery, and you are guaranteed a night of mediocre cunnilingus and unprecedented asshattery without respite, from which you will emerge sullied, shaken and redolent of patchouli (and quite possibly ferret pee).

And yet I COULDN'T STOP WATCHING this show last night. It is as if I myself am being seduced by this asshat who looks like he made a wrong turn en route to the local community college's "Pimps & Hos" party. Yes, yes, Mr. Mystery. I WILL go home with you. I WILL listen to your shitty music which you recorded on your four-track in your living room and tell you how "beautiful" it sounds. I WILL surrender to your sloppy "soul kisses" and try not to notice the giant wad of your hair in the shower drain. Oh, yes. TAKE ME NOW MR. MYSTERY!

(Just don't get your patchouli stink on me, asshat.)

lisamcc at 11:41 a.m.



7 comments so far
Houseboy
2008-10-22 17:52:50
The operative phrase here is "any girl HE WANTS." You know that the only "girls" that exist for this douche-bag are piss-blind drunk sorority chicks with lower-back butterfly tattoos who drink Jack Daniels and Diet Coke.
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sunstargirl
2008-10-22 17:54:33
Good dating rule of thumb: don't sleep with guys who are wearing more eye make-up than you.
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LisaMcC
2008-10-22 19:05:31
Noooo, it's BACARDI and Diet Coke. And it's a FAIRY, not a butterfly. Teehee! I'm wasted! I can, and have, overlooked eye makeup in my pre-Houseboy daze. But the soul patch is unforgivable.
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Jess
2008-10-22 20:36:57
Don't forget the locket & the double-pierced ears!
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Kellie
2008-10-22 21:31:38
Oh Lisa, you always turn me on to the worst (and I mean that in the best possible way) trash to while away the evening hours... So does his jacket with the big brassy buttons have furry trim around the neck, or is that a matching scarf?!?!?
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lj lindhurst
2008-10-23 15:15:41
Can't. Stop. Looking. At. Him.
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vikkitikkitavi
2008-10-23 19:01:05
You say "mediocre cunnilingus" like it's a negative thing.
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