2008-04-30

Humpy Music. Meh.

One thing I've never quite been able to wrap my pea-brain around is background music...well, specifically music playing in the background during sexy time. It's true that in my more impressionable, pretentious youth, I did place stock in having a carefully-selected soundtrack for the awkward grappling that passed for sexy time back then. Cocteau Twins. Oh, yes. The "Blue Bell Knoll" album to be precise. I shudder to think about it now. I want to go back all those many years and slap myself silly.

I feel the same way about "mood lighting," hot tubs, and the utilization of foodstuffs during sexy time. I think it's silly, and a whole lot of needless window dressing for what is, really, a profoundly hilarious act if you think about it. I mean, if you need to have music masking all the grunty-slappy-squishy noises, fine. I don't have to have sex with you, after all, and you probably wouldn't want to have sex with me anyway, because I am a base, vulgar young lady, obviously.

I thought about all of this the other day when I was in CVS buying Mish a birthday card, and Seal's "Kiss From A Rose" started playing overhead. If it's bland and inoffensive enough to play in a place where people are waiting to pick up their blood pressure medication, it's surefire loooooovemaking music.

I'm also pretty certain that there are loads of people out there who insist on doin' it to John Mayer. Now, I've read his columns in Esquire and he's quite a funny guy, but I would rather endure a deep dental scaling than listen to his music. To be fair, I just have a real, possibly biological aversion to "singer-songwriters." I dated one for a spell back in my drunken twenties, and he was unbelievably sweet and attentive and gainfully employed, but the relationship was doomed from the start, because he hung around with other singer-songwriters who would call each other "brother" and say "right on" without any kind of irony, and would regularly get together and (urp)...JAM. And I was a studiously jaded grad student who would say terrible, snarky things because -- as I've alluded to -- I was frequently inebriated and had no boundaries. He would look at me like he didn't know whether to be horrified or oddly turned-on and say, "God, Lees...you're SO MEAN." As it turned out, he left me and eventually ended up with a girl who wore tie-dyed socks.

If I wanted to get real deep and analytical about it all, I'd suggest that we -- SOCIETY -- as a whole have been conditioned to buy into the trappings of "romance." That in order to have a true, romantic experience, you have to go somewhere with turndown service, a hot tub in your room, candles, and John Mayer. Perhaps there are people reading this right now that find themselves ever-so-slightly fiery in the loins at the thought of such a prelude to grunty-slappy-squishy. Why, though? I mean -- I'm genuinely curious now. Why? Am I just completely lacking in imagination? Am I just a hateful crankypants?

I guess I just need to stay out of CVS from now on.

lisamcc at

8 comments so far
Mike Burchett
2008-05-01 00:34:07
Come On!?! Never a little "Moondance" to kick things off proper like? Now, I agree with the renting a whole three-and-a-half-star hotel room thing for a night of the nasty. But that's because the only hotel I've ever been able to afford is the KOA (Hey, a fireplace in ever "room."). But a little music is great to through it. Cowboy Junkies version of "Sweet Jane," Bob Dylan's "Make You Feel My Love," anything off Tweedy's version of "Remember The Mountain Bed," STEVIE WONDER!?! Any of that lakeside on the Flathead on a warm July night and yer bubblin' with romance for roughly eight and half months. Then you start thinkin' about the Flathead again.
-------------------------------

Mike Burchett
2008-05-01 00:36:51
Can I go back and edit my last comment so I don't sound like a freakin' idiot? Christ, you'd think I never learned English good.
-------------------------------

LisaMcC
2008-05-01 07:25:41
HahahahahaHA...no.
-------------------------------

lj
2008-05-01 13:23:02
What's that you say? CVS makes you horny? I thought so.
-------------------------------

LisaMcC
2008-05-01 15:22:45
LJ - actually, I'm a big fan of CVS and could easily blow a large monetary wad all over its aisles and point-of-purchase displays. I love their tacky cosmetic section, and I love that you can get cheap, disgusting drugstore perfume like Jovan Musk and Love's Baby Soft (maybe even Chantilly, too) AND a can of Dinty Moore beef stew. Truly, I have nothing but love for CVS and would hump the whole chain from hell to breakfast.

Except when they play Seal's "Kiss From A Rose." Jesus H. that song sucks.
-------------------------------

vikkitikkitavi
2008-05-02 18:40:05
Hilarious post. I also dated one of those singer/songerwriter types, and I was similarly turned off by his mellowness. However, to give him credit, he bravely chose to be seen in public with a girl who wore pajamas as clothes. And I don't mean nightgowns or lingerie. I mean matching pajama tops and bottoms worn at the same time and accessorized with big crunchy hair, fishnet socks, granny boots, torn tank tops, huge belts worn below rolled-down waists, faux Wayfarers, ten necklaces, twenty bracelets, and one of those big Madonna-type hair scarves. I swear, I don't know how anyone in my presence ever kept a straight face.
-------------------------------

Stephen
2008-05-07 18:42:50
I remember watching an interview with Thom Yorke where he was talking about people coming up to him after the show and telling him they have sex to "Paranoid Android." And he's thinking... "Really? How?"
-------------------------------

Lynette
2008-05-19 00:21:57
I'm thinking that if anyone had ever recorded you, me and Barnaby doing our microphone sex to Getchell, THAT would be some hot stuff. OH yah.
-------------------------------

previous | next