2007-08-30

The Big Chill

Were I the sort of person that believed in Hell -- or more specifically, a Hell where sinners are punished in a fashion fitting their crimes -- I would probably reside in a special subsection of the Fourth Circle: spenders and hoarders who don't regularly clean out the fridge. And instead of pushing huge rocks all over the place, I would be condemned to empty out a refrigerator that eternally replenishes its contents.

How many jars of olives do two people really need? Logic would dictate that when there are already at least THREE jars -- each containing one lonely olive bobbing forlornly about in its murky, watery grave -- you don't go out and buy a fresh jar....or if you DO, you dispose of the jars that are already in there, thus putting the ancient olives out of their collective misery. Ah, but we are not a household dictated by logic. I'm not sure what we're dictated by, exactly, but I think it falls somewhere between "salt-starved" and "lazy."

I am here to tell you that you do NOT need four jars of taco sauce, ever. If you are planning on making tacos, and you're not sure if you have enough taco sauce, err on the side of caution. And by that I mean DON'T BUY ANOTHER GODDAMN JAR OF TACO SAUCE. Even if you are attempting to make a taco the size of Rumer Willis's head you do not need that much sauce. Seriously.

When did we buy capers? WHY did we buy capers?

If you love and respect the coffee, you will refrain from doing three things: 1) Using a drip coffee maker. Drip is for sucks. Buy a percolator. 2) Storing coffee in the freezer. It will draw the life force right out of it. The third thing? Having several tiny bags and cans of flavored coffee in your freezer, put there in the days before you not only didn't realize that you SHOULDN'T store coffee in the freezer, you shouldn't have flavored coffee to begin with. If your coffee has to taste like a Heath Bar rolled in corn syrup, then you shouldn't be drinking coffee. I'm sorry, but it's true. If you get flavored coffee as part of some Yankee Swap or something? Be gracious. Thank the giver profusely. Then dump the flavored coffee in the trash. It will make it smell like a Heath Bar rolled in corn syrup, with just a slight undercurrent of cat pee. Do not keep it in your freezer with the thought that if the giver ever comes over, you can make a big show of making a pot of Cinnachocoraspberrytaint. You and I both know it won't happen.

September 1st is a fresh start for us, and our beautiful new refrigerator. It's so magnificent that I stare at it in awe each time we go over to the new place to unload a few more boxes. I promised it that we will not sully its interior with half-finished condiments that require carbon-dating. You are all witnesses.

lisamcc at 11:51 a.m.

3 comments so far
Houseboy
2007-08-30 16:15:26
But if you make tacos, and you have no taco sauce, then you might as well not eat the tacos. Whereas, if you have too much taco sauce, you can just make more tacos.
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Mari
2007-08-30 17:08:58
We went to visit my mother-in-law recently, and walked in on a conversation where she was complaining about finding three jars of unopened mayo in her fridge. Later that afternoon she ran to the store and picked up yet another jar of mayo. Needless to say, everyone went home with mayo that day. That's what prompted our weekly fridge raid. When else can you be a swat team to your own appliances?
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vikkitikkitavi
2007-08-30 19:11:12
I gotta say you hit the nail on the head with that "3 jars of olives" thing. I am a madwoman for consolidating, but Spooney insists that the olives in the jars are all slightly different, and should not be combined. This makes me insane, even if he is technically correct.
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