2007-08-08
Panty Twisters
So all that stuff I was saying about not letting the little things get to me?� Right out the window.� You should know that I'm smack in the middle of my period, when nearly everything sets me off into a blinding, howling, Technicolor rage.� Really.� If a tiny, preternaturally cute kitten appeared right now, I would find some reason to hate it.� Fuckin' kittens.�
(I'm actually set to start THE PILL next month, in part to clear up some of these menstrual problems of mine.� Please refrain from telling me how fat and pimply you got from birth control pills, okay?� Thanks so much.)
At any rate, here's the short list of panty-twisters, as of August 8, 2007:
People who write "hehe" when they mean "hee hee."� I am almost embarrassed to admit to the RAGE that BOILS within me when I see this.� It has surpassed my irrational hatred for "LOL" and "IMHO."� It makes me want to ball my hands into little white-knuckled girlyfists and BEAT MY MONITOR TO SHARDS.
Crocs.� I would like to get a bunch of sociologists, behaviorists, and fashionistas in the same room to pinpoint exactly when it became acceptable to wear GARDENING CLOGS outside of a GARDEN.� Thankfully, I am not alone in my hatred; the fair Miss Vikkitikkitavi brought this site to my attention.� I promptly purchased a tshirt which reads "FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WEAR CROCS," a ballsy statement around my 'hood, where one cannot venture 10 yards in any direction without running into someone sporting a pair of these luridly-hued, meatloaf-shaped monstrosities.� Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than UGGS.
Actors who try to pass themselves off as "intellectuals."� Here's my theory:� actors?� They're all narcissists with piss-poor self-esteem.� It is simply not enough to be a famous actor.� What you really want to do is WRITE.� Or record an album of Tom Waits covers.� Or�spew your grandiose political theories�on "Larry King Live."� Shut up, put down the pen, and look pretty.
Subway Door Blockers.� Dear Frankenstein:� Apart from satisfying your ladyfriend time and time again, having such an enormous hog must surely be more of a burden than a blessing.� I know this because every time you board the train, you position yourself right in front of the doors.� There is simply no place else for you and your massive�gravy cannon to go.� There is no seat wide enough, no expanse of available standing room accomodating enough...and so in front of the doors you must stand, even though you are not planning on disembarking for at least 6 more stops.� And when it comes time for ME to exit, you barely perceptibly shift to allow me a scant 4 millimeters to pass.� Thank you.� Thank you so much for putting yourself and your HUGE THING through such unfathomable discomfort so that I might go to work.
Thanks for listening.� I'm going to go eat a pound of M&Ms now...
lisamcc at 1:11 p.m.
4 comments so far
lj lindhurst
2007-08-08 13:41:07
I always thought "hehehe" was more along the lines of "heh heh heh" rather than "hee hee hee". but whatever! Also, I hate Crocs, too! MONSTROSITIES! I also hate it when chicks wear dresses with pants underneath. Look, either wear PANTS or WEAR A DRESS, but those 2 things should not be a g-damned combination in any way, shape, or form!
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vikkitikkitavi
2007-08-08 20:04:11
Thanks for the link, and THANK YOU for Identifying the heinousness of the "hehehe," which is, as you so rightly point out, NOT a "hee hee hee." Neither is it a "heh heh heh," because it would then have to be spelled in such a way as to evoke the sounds "heh heh heh," which "hehehe" certainly does not. That's just the problem with it. It does not evoke anything, except a kind of laziness and willful ignorance on the part of the user. Oops, just got my period.
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jerry
2007-08-09 17:48:24
Perhaps the second 'e' in 'hehe' is silent and makes the first 'e' a long 'e'. Then 'hehe' would be pronounced 'heeh', which for me is one percent less annoying than assuming the 'hee hee' pronunciation. Also on my enemies list: people who type 'here here!' when they mean 'hear hear!'
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jerry
2007-08-09 17:53:57
P.S. Diaryland's 'your url' field is exceptionally stupid if it can't even add an 'http://' to URLs lacking such intros. Andrew sucks!
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Stumble It!
