2007-02-12

I suck at this whole winsome womanhood thing.

It�s official. I suck at this whole winsome womanhood thing.

All outward appearances would speak otherwise. I am somewhat fastidious � borderline psychotic, even � about my personal appearance. Everything gotta look nice � the shoes gotta match the lipstick gotta match the hair accessories. If I�m wearing pearls, all nine of my ear piercings have to be pearls. If I�m wearing anything that reveals my ink (the theme presently going down on my right arm is primarily teal and turquoise), then the jewelry gotta match that. Stylistically, I am built for �The New Look,� but I will venture into the 30�s depending on how well the dress fits. Even if I go out in JEANS, shit is tucked in or knotted at the waist accordingly, my hair is DID, and I got lipstick on. It�s just the way I roll, and in fairness, my lifestyle is such that I can fairly easily roll this way. I am a horrid, vain creature what likes to look cute.

I digress. I look the part, but I have a mouth like a stevedore. I look the part, but I despise the trappings of what passes for romanticism. I hate Valentine�s Day, although I like to buy boxes of Barbie� cards, fuck with the captions (�I weigh 102 pounds and stopped menstruating!�) and hand those out. I don�t do romantic dinners, I don�t like being stared at, and we�ve already ascertained that I hate Sting�s solo stuff. Really, I�m an utter drag when it comes to this hearts-and-flowers shit.

And Cupid saw fit to drive the final heart-shaped nail in the gaudy pink coffin himself yesterday afternoon, as I was flipping through the channels and came across THAT MOVIE. You know � the one with that smug, floppy-haired, insufferable Hugh Grant. Eight Weddings, Four Funerals, and A Briss. Or whatever. I came in just as he was plowing Andie MacDowell (who had to have her dialogue in that terrible �Tarzan� remake re-recorded by Glenn Close) and being all quirkily British as he was doing so. I knew right then and there that I was going to HATE this movie, but I stubbornly sat through what was left of it (a good hour or so, as it turned out). My sister and I both do this: if we�re reading a book that sucks, by God we stick it out until the bitter end, and we make sure that everyone within earshot knows how much it sucks and how much we�re looking forward to finishing it, so that the book in question can be hurled with great force at the nearest solid, inanimate mass. We get perverse satisfaction out of this. I don�t know why.

Holy crap-flinging monkeys, this movie was BAD. And it was a hit, wasn�t it? I seem to recall that it made a shit ton of money. Who watches and enjoys this treacle? There must be something wrong with me, because every time Grant jauntily raked his hand through his jaunty fucking hair I wanted to punch his lights out. Who honestly gets a wide-on from this? At the end, when he and MacDowell are standing there mooning over each other in the pouring rain, I actually yelled at the television: �Good! I hope you both get WALKING PNEUMONIA.�

And the first person that posts some sparkly rose or cherubic teddy bear in my comments section after reading this is so getting his or her virtual ass kicked. I ain�t playin�.

lisamcc at 5:20 p.m.



4 comments so far
Your half-Hebe husband
2007-02-12 21:39:46
Oy, I married a goy: It's bris with one "s." (P.S. Oh, uhm, quite, yes, could I possibly trouble you for a blowjob?)
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agreen
2007-02-13 07:56:43
I wish I had time to find a cherubic teddy bear .... liked the entry-esp. the film commentary. I've known several women who really hate Andie McDowell-don't know what she does to provoke that visceral hatred but it is there.
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vikkitikkitavi
2007-02-13 11:46:43
I can clue you in on the Andie McDowell hatred - she fucking sucks!!! She is a shitty, shitty actress whose voice is a thousand times worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. Why does this woman have an acting career? She makes Sandra Bullock look like Dame Judith Dench. I still think FW&aF could've been a perfectly fine movie without her. The scene, for instance, where John Hannah reads that Auden poem at Simon Callow's funeral - holy fucking christ, I'm sorry, but it gets to me!
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cardiogirl
2007-03-04 09:12:43
I do the same thing with books that suck. But I really speed read through them, skipping chapters on character development just to get to the plot so I can say I basically read the entire shitty book and can bombast it with personal knowledge. Glad to know there are at least two others out there who feel compelled to basically finish what they started.
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