2007-01-29

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WARNING: talk of matters pertaining to menstruation below. Stop right here if you are squeamish about such things.

I am extremely, ridiculously regular. My periods hit like Swiss clockwork. I am not on The Pill. I am just naturally wired to shed that stuff every 30 days, and it's over and done with in less than 5. Believe me, I'm grateful for this. I hear horror stories of irregularity, of periods lasting for weeks at a stretch. Comparatively speaking, my time o' the month is a cakewalk.

But every few months I get what I consider to be a REALLY BAD period. Cramps that would fell a lumberjack. I'll go through an entire box of the supermegajumboabsorbent 'pons (the ones that are akin to stuffing a Sealy Posturpedic� up your yoni) in one day. I eat like I haven't had a decent meal in months, and I cry like a little bitch at EVERYTHING.

This month is like that. I'm currently on my seventh or eighth cooch mattress today, and it's not even 5 o'clock. On Saturday I ate an epic, Odyssean stack of blueberry pancakes, followed by a huge sammitch and pile of fries not 2 hours later, only to tuck away several bowls of cereal when I got home. Last night I watched an episode of "Cold Case" and sobbed like my very heart was being trampled upon (it didn't help that this particular episode utilized a soundtrack of nothing but Unforgettable Fire-era U2, which made me stupidly nostalgic ON TOP OF the menstrual malaise).

It's a terrible place to be, atop this cotton pony. I do wish it would just throw me to the ground and kick me in the head and put me out of my misery.

lisamcc at 5:18 p.m.



2 comments so far
John
2007-01-30 10:07:51
Hey Lisa, I just stumbled on this after logging into reunion.com, and I'm still trying to re-compose myself from laughing so hard. Thanks for brightening up this winter Tuesday, and glad to hear you're well and still hilarious :)
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Melanie
2007-01-29 21:57:47
Because I cannot resist the overshare: I had my first au naturel Lady Time in almost twenty years last month. The cramps were no biggie (dispatched with a single Advil), but the blood? Hoo-boy.
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