2000-10-23

Intimidation

I went out after rehearsal the other night with Valerie, and a few other cast members, and I had a pretty interesting conversation with Val, one I'm still thinking about now -- it was that interesting to me.

It's only been in the last few years that I've cultivated any really solid friendships with other women. As a rule, I'm uncomfortable around women, due largely in part to my own plentiful and sordid personality flaws, not the least of which is my crummy self-esteem. I see another woman who I feel is more talented, more attractive, or more outgoing than I am, and rather than jump on that action and learn from her energy, I decide that I "hate" her.

Of course, it's the "hatred" that I harbor that ultimately makes the woman in question all that more fascinating to me, so that I end up actually getting to know her, and subsequently feeling like a Queen-Sized Asshole for forming that initial opinion.

I have to say that, as fucked-up as it is, this is how I've made some of my better girlfriends in the past couple of years. Go ahead Dr. Freud, read into that one.

At any rate, Valerie and I got into this whole discussion about being jealous of other women, or if you want a softer term, "intimidated" by them.

Because my ultimate Defense Mechanism has always been humor, I tend to come on like gangbusters -- like some freakish combination of Mae West and the Cookie Monster -- and that's my way of dealing with the fact that, as far as I'm concerned, I'm as scintillating as a toilet brush, and I'm terrified that everybody is going to figure that out.

It was interesting to hear Valerie tell me that she found me "intimidating" when we first started rehearsing for this show, because, I mean - really, now - I'm not. I'm a bottom-heavy, bespectacled, bookish frump with a boy's haircut and a filthy mouth...intimidating?

It's almost a compliment, really.

It's kind of funny how I've managed to feel better about myself in recent years from the odd compliments I receive from the prettier/smarter/more talented girls.

I should start hanging out with them more often.

lisamcc at 23:39:13

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