2010-05-05

Kids.

Not long ago, I posted an anti-bullying link to my Facebook page, and got a rather nasty response from a "friend" (someone I knew only vaguely, through someone I knew slightly less vaguely...ah the complicated dynamics of social networking). Her initial point (once I waded through the hyperbole and tangential verbosity to arrive at it) was her belief that school administrators had no business getting involved in a bullying situation. I disagree, but okay. Before I had a chance to respond, she ended her multiple-post tirade with: "But then you don't have kids, so how would you know?"

Sigh.

I would think at this point that I've made it fairly obvious how I've come to this understanding of mine regarding bullying. I was bullied all through middle school. My decision to not have children has nothing to do with this issue on the table, here. Did this person really think she was driving a final nail in the debate coffin by saying this? I don't have kids, so I cannot possibly fathom the politics of the classroom. I don't have kids, so I don't have a right to speak up about the rights of other people's kids.

I don't have kids, so I should just shut up.

I am fortunate to be surrounded by good people who have never once questioned the very difficult decision that Kevin and I came to after a great deal of reflection. I am not cut from the motherhood cloth. I am not selling myself short, or putting myself down, by saying this. It has nothing to do with how I was raised, or anything that happened to me in my own childhood. Some of my favorite people in the world are under the age of 10. I will happily play with your baby; I can even be pressed into changing a diaper or ten. I invite you to speak to any of my coworkers, who have seen the various pictures of my 14 nieces and nephews on my desk and bulletin board over the years. I love shopping for them, and hearing what they have to say. I absolutely adore being the "weird aunt" with the piercings and the tattoos, and I treat these kids with the respect that was shown to me by my favorite aunts and uncles.

But I am not supposed to be someone's mother. I know this, I accept it, and the people that MATTER are 100% behind me.

So why does it still sting when some near-stranger tries to discredit (if not flat-out insult) me by bringing up my childlessness? Certainly not because it causes me to second-guess myself; I am quite firm in my decision. I have chosen to not do this one thing that my body happens to be designed to do, among myriad other things. And I have chosen to not raise a child because I don't feel, at the very core of my being, that it's something I am called to do.

I can love and admire your children, I can listen to them, and I can stand up for them when they are wronged. I can do all these things without having any of my own.

lisamcc at 3:42 p.m.

6 comments so far
Katie
2010-05-05 19:52:40
Beautifully stated. AMEN.
-------------------------------

brian
2010-05-05 20:43:31
Brian Swann likes this.
-------------------------------

KristinCurrier
2010-05-06 03:19:22
I love kids. Don't want kids. Just like you. Ah, but I remember what it was like to be a kid, particularly a bullied, alone kid, with no one backing me up. Back then, I'd take any kind soul -childless or not- to have my back.
-------------------------------

PK
2010-05-06 06:25:45
Wurd. This "friend" of yours clearly has some sort of issue of her own. The only people who judge me for being a vegetarian are people who feel insecure about the fact that they eat meat. It's kind of a classic. You know I ain't havin' kids, and it's kind of amazing. People will hint about shit like, "oh, you know, when you and Aaron have a little one..." and I'll say, "oh, we're not having kids," they'll be all, "What? why not? bla bla bla bla." The reverse would never occur. I would love to say to someone, "Oh, you're having kids? Why?" No one questions that. Some people should.
-------------------------------

Lexi
2010-05-07 03:34:38
Again, straight-shot and pure truth. You rule, Lisa McC. (Me, also ruthlessly bullied in middle school, and also raising the flag for deliberate non-breeders here, nothing against those who pop out the rugrats! It's just not for me, either.)
-------------------------------

Jess
2010-05-07 22:45:18
Hell, I admire people who decide NOT to have kids more than I do those that DO. It's a somewhat tougher and less selfish decision than having them... even though a lot of people look at it the other way around. I would NEVER say to someone "Oh, you HAVE to have kids!" I don't understand why that's "acceptable" but "Oh, you really SHOULDN'T have kids!" isn't. I think "Oh, you REALLY shouldn't have had kids!" about people on a daily basis. Some people just should not, and I admire the hell out of those who know themselves well enough not to go the breeder route.
-------------------------------

previous | next