2009-06-19

Today I am seven.

More than my birthday, or the first day of January, I view June 19th as the beginning of a new year for me. It's the day I put down the bottle, and decided I wanted my life back.

June 19th, 2002 started out -- sadly -- as most of my days had been starting for a long time: with a drink. It was warm Chardonnay in a plastic cup. My body, at that point, was trying desperately to protect itself: I could not keep any alcohol down without enormous effort on my part. I chugged the Chardonnay, and it came right back up.

It was eight o'clock in the morning.

Seven years ago. It was seven years ago today, but I still remember the taste of that warm wine as it came back up. I remember how my head ached so bad I could feel it in my back molars. Most of all, though, I remember how sad and scared I was, and how utterly alone I felt.

A lot of recovering alcoholics speak of having some kind of "moment" when they finally realize they have to stop. There was no great revelation for me that morning, no transcendent beam of light that washed me clean. It was as dim and as flickery as a dying fluorescent tube in God's supply closet. I thought, "If I put this down, I will be okay." It came out of nowhere, and I knew at that moment it was enough. Because if I waited for something bigger and brighter and more "obvious," I would die.

Those first days, weeks and months were terrifying. So much of the "identity" I'd created for myself revolved around drinking. I had to navigate through so much stuff that most people don't even think twice about. The first time I had to go to a wedding. Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Year's. But the biggest challenge came every single day: just being by myself. I say this in meetings all the time -- I couldn't even handle doing my LAUNDRY without having a drink first. I had to be simpering and apathetic and cloudy at all times and in all situations. The problem was -- alcohol wasn't doing that for me anymore. When I DID manage to keep it down, it turned immediately into gall and wormwood. I would become hysterically miserable almost instantly. But I didn't know what else to do, because it USED to work, so I would keep drinking.

Once you've crossed that line, there's no going back. Believe me, I tried.

I wish I could tell you that I've become the very model of sober living in seven years. The fact of the matter is that I've made some ponderously fuckin' stupid and selfish moves in sobriety, more stupid and selfish than anything I did while drunk. The difference now is that in the aftermath of these mistakes (and boy howdy there was some aftermath), I didn't retreat into drinking. I got a switch, took my licking, and did my best to make amends.

In Catholicism, seven is considered the "age of reason." You're supposed to know the difference between right and wrong. But at seven, you're still really not all that far removed from sitting in your own shit and expecting someone else to clean it up. At seven, I have learned some hard lessons about what it really means to be accountable and to show up. I have had my heart broken, just absolutely smashed to the point where I couldn't fathom how I was going to get it together. I have walked in some pretty dark and bleak places. But I have also learned just how much I can shoulder, and I have learned who will carry some of it for me, if I ask. I have learned who my true friends are. I have learned about loss and forgiveness and redemption. I have learned to really stop and examine my motives, especially when it comes to others, because my selfishness can absolutely have a very negative impact on people I've never even met. I've learned that any time I want to, I can let shit go.

And I have finally learned that I am not alone.

lisamcc at 7:42 a.m.



4 comments so far
Jess
2009-06-19 15:03:54
Congratulations, Lees.
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Bridget
2009-06-19 18:33:54
Good job, Lisa, on a tough challenge. Happy Lucky 7.
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Blair
2009-06-20 03:14:31
Congrats Lisa!
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Spooney
2009-06-24 18:28:20
Congrats again & it was great to see you, Houseboy & Ad Spank last week. Come out to LA again soon!
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