2008-06-30

From Dimitri, with love...

Shhh. Just listen.

You might scoff just a little bit at this, thinking, "This cannot be REAL." Having been the recipient of long, ranting voicemails (albeit not *quite* as insane as that of Dimitri's here), I can tell you that it most certainly probably IS. There are people who love nothing better than to let you know, preferably at a time during which you will not pick up your phone, what a goddamn catch you're missing out on and what an ungrateful, ungracious sow you are for not believing that the sun rises and sets on their pointy heads. I digress.

What I do find hard to believe is that Dimitri followed through on his threat/promise to never call Olga again. Because I know dudes like Dimitri, and dudes like Dimitri can't leave well enough alone. Mentally and emotionally, they're scab-pickers. I truly believe that there are at least two more messages from Dimitri to Olga that we're not hearing:

Hello again, Olga. This is Dimitri. Listen - I know I said that I was going to delete your number, and I am going to, just as soon as I finish leaving you this message. Okay? You are a very elegant woman, Olga, even though you have not responded to my messages. That is not very elegant, and as I have alluded to previously, it is also very passive-aggressive. But perhaps there is some issue that I had not considered before. Perhaps your office has burned down, and you have been unable to retrieve your voicemail remotely. If that is the case then you should call me as soon as you get the courage, as I know that I am very straightforward and very particular about what it is I want. As I have said, I am Greek, but I did not mention that I am also one-seventeenth Lithuanian. I am very passionate, and I am not averse to performing oral sex provided you are clean-shaven. But I am a very, very busy man, Olga, and I do not have time to play these games. I will be home today and tomorrow, working on my screenplay, except between the hours of 1 and 3 tomorrow afternoon, as I have an appointment with my proctologist that I simply cannot reschedule again. So if I do not hear from you by tomorrow evening, Olga, you can just forget it. And if your office has burned down, or you are psychologically normal, I will take your call. Okay? Bye bye.

lisamcc at 1:25 p.m.



3 comments so far
Jess
2008-06-30 22:25:20
That is breathtakingly awesome. I once had a guy yell at my mom because I didn't call him back.
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voodoo
2008-07-02 13:07:43
No wonder she didn't ring him back, she obviously figured out that he's unhinged!
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Miriam
2008-07-02 17:58:13
I feel so much better about myself after listening to that. Thanks. I will be sharing Dimitri with all of my friends, because there is nothing like a good shot of Dimitri to brighten your day.
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