2008-04-14

The Epic Conclusion.

"Rock of Love II" ended last night with a vaguely gaseous whimper, like someone let the air out of one of Daisy DeLaHoya's implants.

If you weren't following this with the ravenous, bottom-feeding fervor that Jess and I were, I'll summarize: creepy balding Bret Michaels, "vocalist" for metal popsters Poison, is wookin po' nub. He didn't find him no nub LAST season, so VH1 presented him with another McMansion full of skanks to put through their paces.

Last night's finale found Bret on the beach, pouty and pensive, having to make "the hardest decision of his life" -- choosing between the aforementioned Daisy, and the considerably-older-but-wiser Ambre Lake.

So it's down to the tarted-up Gelfling and the tarted-up mom from "Who's the Boss?" Can you blame Bret for being torn?

In the end, Daisy cried rivulets of mascara-streaked tears all over her big fake boobies, and Bret and Ambre rode off into the sunset, or at least rode up the elevator to Bret's suite, where they had hot, riotous monkey sex.

VH1 would also like us to know that Season One is available on DVD. Yeah. No thanks. Look, as entertained as I am by this televised trainwreck, "Rock Of Love" is sort of like a bean burrito from Taco Bell. It's enjoyable, it goes right through you, and there's really no need to revisit it.

Although, it could make for a good drinking game (I haven't touched the stuff in almost 6 years, but I can still find ways for everyone else to get loaded). Like, whenever one of the skanks claims "I'm here for Bret!" you take a shot...and whenever Bret wonders aloud if a particular skank could "handle my rock-n-roll lifestyle," you take TWO shots.

Me, I'm always here for Bret. Always.

lisamcc at 3:02 p.m.

5 comments so far
Jess
2008-04-14 20:24:03
Don't forget to drink every time Bret says one of the following: "Hi-Ohhh!" (Pibb & I simply high-five each other on that one) "Cha-Ching!" or "Check please!" and TWO drinks for "Huhmina Huhmina" I still think Heather should have shown up in Cancun and thrown the other girls under the bus. Also, don't forget it's not over! The reunion show is next week!!
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Houseboy
2008-04-14 20:57:09
Also - two drinks every time Brett says "Me likee."
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Lynette
2008-04-14 21:58:14
Man, there are times in life that make me really thank the good Lord for the fallibe yet stable mess I am. Holy crap those women make us all look like Mother Freakin' Theresa. I'm a little frightened at how uninique those tarts are. I'm even more frightened at how serious Bret and associates take it. Goodness.
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Some Assembly Required
2008-04-15 20:39:21
The little snippets of this show that I see on The Soup are about all I can take, but I love reading your critiques.
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Jess
2008-04-16 01:48:09
I'm a little frightened at how serious I take the show, Lynette. Also, KEV! How could I have forgotten "Me Likee?!?!?!" Thank you. One other thing: Did this season not sort of suck? I mean, I pegged Ambre winning about the 3rd episode in. Plus, no mention of diahbee-duhs! Sigh.
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