2008-04-11

If you don't have havingness, you don't have shit...

My friend and colleague Michael and I are very similar in that we're both enormously self-amused, and find the same things (other than ourselves) amusing.

The theatre periodically gets mail from the "Church" of Scientology. Really bizarre, really hilarious mail. We received a slick-and-glossy magazine several months ago featuring a big ol' photograph of L. Ron Hubbard ("LRH," as he's reverently referred to in all CoS literature), which we found particularly amusing, so much so that we cut it out, and have taken turns "hosting" it at our respective desks ("I think it's your turn to host LRH now." "It would be an HONOR." "I KNOW.")

Since Michael is often the person that sorts the mail, the CoS stuff winds up in my box. And let me tell you, nothing makes a hectic, stressful day a little sunnier than something from the CoS, although not for the reasons that they would probably prefer.

Today, for example, Michael left me a brochure touting the miraculous wonder that is the "Flag-only HAVINGNESS RUNDOWN."

What I really love about CoS is that it totally has its own language. Because while "havingness" may make us grammatically-aware Suppressive Persons (SPs) twitch and titter, to an acolyte of LRH, it is a matter of Great Importance -- indeed -- it is something to strive for. Because "charge causing low havingness is behind an inability to create and produce on any dynamic." Yeah. That's BAD. And although you might want to try and address it yourself by finding a "physical universe solution," you're fucked, because when you do that, you're smack dab in the middle of an "ever-worsening dwindling spiral of succumb." Sucks to be you, dog.

But fear not! With the HAVINGNESS RUNDOWN, you will "become completely at cause over this aspect of life and livingness." Yay! Unless, of course, you are "mid the non-interference zone." Then you can't. Boo! Once you're past that, though, or if you've finished any "major auditing rundown" (that's a DIFFERENT rundown than the Havingness Rundown), you're good to go! Yay!

I'm not real clear on what constitutes a "rundown." I thought maybe it had something to do with a sauna and a metric assload of vitamins, but maybe that's something different. Maybe a rundown involves the auditing cans and a smallish handjob. It's all so much to keep track of. I don't know how those OTs do it.

You know, I realize that while I find this shit funny as all get-out, it's no more preposterous than -- say -- transubstantiation or papal infallibility. But the Catholic Church hasn't been sending us THEIR brochures, and anyway -- I don't think Jesus Christ would look nearly as jauntily fetching in a naval officer's cap as LRH does.

Watch - in about a week I'm gonna start getting hate mail from the Scientologists. Yay! I'm an SP! Yay!

lisamcc at 5:37 p.m.



3 comments so far
Bill
2008-04-12 22:39:43
I would comment on this further... but Body Thetans have taken over my typing fingers.
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Lynette
2008-04-14 22:10:16
Where's Gilligan? I'm just askin'.
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Toddlington
2008-04-26 12:43:48
As Harlan Ellison sez: http://www.whyaretheydead.net/Sten/www.users.wineasy.se/www.users.wineasy.se/noname/harlan.htm
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