2008-02-02

Perpetual July.

I haven't much felt like internetting the last couple of days. This is probably going to be little more than a placeholder of sorts -- a means of saying: "I'm still around, but don't expect anything particularly witty or salient."

In a way, I feel like I don't have much right to be as sad as I am. I wasn't his wife, I wasn't in daily contact with him. It's just hard to believe that someone who was such a big part of my life growing up is just GONE. And under such horrid, unfathomable circumstances. I wanted to see him at our 20-year reunion. I wanted him to give me shit when Edwards dropped out of the running.

It came at a terrible price, but I've been back in touch with people I hadn't spoken to in months, in some cases YEARS. An email from Kim yesterday, one from Ethan earlier this week. Peter, Matt, Chrissy, Ned, Blair. Seeing their email "handles" on my computer screen was enough to make me cry. And of course I am profoundly grateful that I have Jon and Michael still in my immediate orbit. I told PK yesterday, "You remember who your friends are, and you realize who the important people in your life are," in the face of something like this.

I get older, my eyeglass prescription is a woeful bit of business indeed, I talk to my shrink about opening a Roth account, but I have honestly never felt much older - emotionally speaking - than 17. In my mind it's always late July of '88, I am always coming home at 2am from the Bickford's in Hanover, and Keith is driving and trying to convince me that Ronald Reagan was a great president. And fuckin' Rick Astley, like it or not, is always playing in the background.

lisamcc at 9:01 a.m.

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