2007-10-21

Perception and perspective.

This morning I heard something in my meeting that really hit home with me: avoid the deliberate manufacture of misery. And I thought, "Hoo BOY, was that written for ME."

If it's one thing I'm good at, it's creating drama for myself. For all my talk of just wanting to be in the moment and be happy -- or at least accepting of -- the way things are, the fact is that I am not comfortable with being comfortable. It is not my natural state, and so I actively seek out situations that will throw a big, greasy wrench into the works. I really am spectacularly good at this.

Afterwards, I went to breakfast with a friend of mine. I hadn't really seen or spoken with him for many months, so I was looking forward to catching up. Prior to the Giant Sucking Vortex that for me was the Summer of 2007, this friend of mine and I had grown quite close, identifying with one another's struggles in recovery in a very real and mutually beneficial way. But then he pulled away and stopped going to meetings, and I was too busy flailing about in my emotional briar patch to pay much mind.

Now, understand that I am not one of these recovery-philes who steadfastly believe that "the program" is the Way, the Truth and the Light for all. I am a firm believer in "whatever works." If it doesn't work for you, that's cool...but find something else that DOES work, you know? Personally, I need to check in with other people. I need to raise my hand and "tell on myself," no matter how crazy I sound, because my inclination is to isolate and stew in my own misery broth, and that in turn causes me to engage in all kinds of very unsavory and juvenile behavior. So I go to meetings.

The thing that struck me over breakfast was how tense and, well -- ANGRY -- my friend was. It took all the strength I could muster to try and steer things around so that we weren't merely talking at one another about how much everything and everybody sucked. Because I don't need that, and neither does he.

At the same time, I don't like being a platitude parrot, prattling on about how you can "live in the problem, or live in the solution," and such, because sometimes that shit just don't fly, even if it's the truth. But I mentioned that I'd had me a fairly trying summer, due in part to things beyond my control, but also to things that had been in my control and yet I made a very deliberate choice to LOSE control over, because of that whole "manufactured misery" habit of mine. And then I told him: "Take this for what it's worth, but what I learned this summer is that you can act like a drunk without ever once picking up a drink."

In the Talmud, there's a saying: "You don't see things as they are. You see things as you are." I went away from breakfast exhausted and slightly weepy. I felt like a big, fat failure for not being able to pull things back to where they once were, before he stopped going to meetings and before I momentarily lost sight of what I was supposed to be learning from those meetings. I went into a little chapel, and I lit a candle for my friend, because it was all I could think to do.

lisamcc at 4:54 p.m.



2 comments so far
Dad
2007-10-21 20:49:51
You never cease to amaze me..Your comment about about a dry drunk and what you do to overcome this emotion is something I deal with on a daily basis. Love you
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Lynette
2007-10-22 21:30:27
I love the way that you can totally bare your soul and that you can make me laugh while you do it. And that you can make me want to fly up there and give you a big fat sappy hug. I know you'd probably punch me for doing it. But I'd do it anyway. Get ready. I plan on it in January!
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