2007-07-09

Change is fuckin' GREAT.

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am quite actively menstrual right now. I'm about a day in, which means that everything is making me irrationally emotional. I sobbed like a little bitch at the end of "Cold Case" last night, even though that show has completely jumped the proverbial shark.

I am also one of these people that has to be reading something while eating. It's a good thing that I am not planning on reproducing, because my spawn would have the most appalling table manners (to say nothing of the freakishly large foreheads and rampant potty mouths).

Today, I'd made a lovely salad (baby spinach, pecans and blackberries with a fat-free raspberry vinaigrette), and was just about to consume it when I realized that I didn't have anything to READ. I pawed through the basket of shitty $1.99 gossip magazines, which is kept in the breakroom. Most of said magazines were speculating as to whether or not Suri Holmes Xenu Hubbard Cruise actually existed. Some fresh brain rot please -- stat. So I trotted upstairs to the li'l convenience store, two dollars in hand, to get a new issue of Life & Style In Touch OK! or whatever, only to find that this now costs TWO DOLLARS AND NINETEEN CENTS.

I stomped back downstairs to the office and stormed into the breakroom, where my friend Adam was happily reading one of the outdated magazines. I yanked a chair from under the table, glared at Adam until he looked up, and yelled, "The shitty $1.99 gossip magazines are TWO DOLLARS AND NINETEEN CENTS now, Adam."

"Um. I'm....sorry?"

"HOW MUCH MORE CHANGE AM I GONNA HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HERE?!"

Basically, the last couple of weeks have been a maelstrom. A lot of stuff going on, all of which has challenged my sense of "self." Some of this is my own doing, and some of this is just the stuff that gets thrown at you because you're here, waking up every morning and eating your cereal and trying to be nice.

"Identity," I've been coming to understand, is largely willed and fabricated. I am learning, too, that any time I create a "me" or "mine" around any experience that's inconstant and stressful, I'm in for a world of hurt.

(I know - fuckin' deep, right? The next thing you know I'll be sporting Crocs, burning Nag Champa, and organizing Solstice "gathers." Kill me.)

The database system I manage here at work has this little pop-up window which reads "Do you want to accept change?" whenever I edit a table. It makes me giggle nearly every time. I sit here, thinking about all the shit that has to get done just this summer. After ten years in the same hovel, the houseboy and I are finally moving to a new apartment. Basically, I couldn't be happier about it. The place we're in has some really stank mojo at this point, not to mention a decrepit, thoroughly-depressing kitchen with a stove that's nearly as old as I am. In the last year or so I've really come to despise this kitchen.

So on Friday, we signed the lease for some new digs, one subway stop over from our current abode, but worlds away in terms of the...ambience, I guess you'd say. We also forked over first, last, and half of the agent's fee, which has rendered us desperately poor on a near-Dickensian scale for the foreseeable future. But check out this panty-creamer of a kitchen, chickens:

God.

Just....God.

THIS is the sort of change I can embrace. At the same time, I can't just go for the tempting idea that once I'm in this sparkling new place, my life will magically get better. I'll be able to use the broiler, but I'll still be the same fuck-up.

lisamcc at 3:29 p.m.

3 comments so far
Tina
2007-07-09 17:49:39
I love your kitchen and am green with envy over it. Is there enough room for an island or table of some sort in the center? That little gizmo on the side (with the butcher top and drawers) could be used in the middle, if so desired. I can't wait to see it. When is the housewarming?
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lj lindhurst
2007-07-10 15:18:17
you are NOT a fuckup by any means!! I think you are awesome.
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Lexi Kahn
2007-07-10 18:26:28
From one self-proclaimed fuck-up to another: dude...windowsill herb garden. WHOO HOO!
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