2007-06-10

No people like show people...

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, watching the Tony Awards and practically sobbing with gratitude. But not for all the reasons you might suppose.

(First of all, I'm frankly amazed that these are televised. Do most people even give two shits about live theatre? I guess maybe they do, although I'm betting that the network won't let this run over two hours like it would the Oscars.)

Anyone who knows me knows I have a long and sordid love/hate relationship with theatre. Love to hate to love to hate it, baby. At the risk of sounding like one of those muffin types who has sparkly porcelain comedy/tragedy masks hanging on her bedroom wall, the shit is in my blood. My parents did it, my siblings did it (one of them still does), and I dood it for years until I just got...well...tired of it.

20 years ago I never would've imagined uttering such a thing. I was going to be a GREAT ACTRESS, as beloved by geeky teenaged girls and homosexual men as Bernadette Peters and Angela Lansbury were by me. When I wasn't in a play, I was thinking about what plays I wanted to do. I had spent years being absolutely socially retarded. Simple social interaction baffled me. I could barely manage placing a pizza order (actually, this is still true; if there was nothing to eat in the house, and my only means of sustenance could be had by placing a call to the local Papa Gino's, I would starve -- ask the houseboy -- in ten years, he's been the only one to order a pizza in this house, because I'm completely stunted and totally fucking insane). Yet oddly enough, I was fearless on a stage. Completely different stakes, would be my guess.

I have done countless musicals and squeezed myself into umpteen hundred uncomfortable costumes. I have been stabbed, strangled, slapped, dragged across the stage, and called a "rash wanton." And for years, I couldn't have been happier.

I received some advice, which I have since heeded, although at the time I was given said advice, I was hurt and offended beyond words. It came from my high school drama teacher, who said, "If you ever find something that you'd rather do than act....DO THAT."

In all honesty, I kept on doing shows long after I'd realized that I was getting no joy from it anymore. I had made what I thought was an irrevocable pact with Thespis, and felt that I couldn't leave the relationship, even though I'd been sleeping on the couch for years, metaphorically speaking. Around the time I stopped drinking, I stopped accepting roles in shows. It was an unbelievable relief. I still went to plays, still loved talking about plays, but it was incredibly liberating to not have to BE in a play.

I have worked for the same theatre company since 1993, mostly as a computer nerd. I am fiercely loyal to this company, even if some of the people drive me nuts and some of the productions have been less than stellar. It's all part of the whole. I suspect that unless I get hit by a bus, or move to some remote area of the country, I'll keep working there. Because I love being in the audience, and seeing what we as a company have collectively created.

What's hard sometimes is when I run into someone I went to high school with, or performed with, or who'd seen me perform. Invariably I am asked if I'm doing "anything." And the answer is - yeah - plenty. I have this sobriety thing to maintain and friendships to rekindle and/or nurture as the case may be. I have books to read, and I have writing to do. But I'm not acting. And I couldn't be happier.

But Jesus H., I'm sitting here watching the Tony Awards and every time the camera pans in on Bernadette Peters I squeal a little bit. I hope I never lose that.

lisamcc at 9:42 p.m.

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