2007-05-22
PMS
I feel like this has become My Big Fat Recovery Journal� of late. Apologies if this bores you.
I am coming up on an anniversary. Provided I keep doing what I'm doing, I expect that I will hit the 5 year mark in exactly 4 weeks.
I do not feel as though it's been that "long" since I've had a drink, or smoked a joint, or taken medication for something other than its intended purpose. I still have pretty vivid recall of my last few binges. I still can't quite believe that I wake up in the morning without a hangover that I can feel in my back molars, that I've gone this long without that chemical "escape hatch."
Statistically speaking, I'm a minority. There are loads of people out there who don't get this, who don't get sober. Some get a month or two together, then go out, then come back in, then go out and never come back. And many more don't arrive at any kind of understanding. I've gotten more than a couple of reminders of this in the last week or so. Someone I know of, peripherally (she was married to a very close friend of mine), died last week. Passed out, hit her head, and never woke up. And I got that. I got how that could happen. If one of something feels good, it stands to reason that three or four will feel even better. You don't necessarily want oblivion, but you wouldn't turn it down if it presented itself. She is no longer struggling with this. But she never figured out that there are better ways of not struggling.
My friend Alex says I've got PMS: Pre-Medallion Syndrome. He's presenting my five-year medallion next month. He's probably right. Lately I've been feeling as raw and skittish as I did in the first weeks and months of my sobriety. A woman I know recently told me a story about how, when she was still drinking, she'd buy a bottle of wine, and watch sad movies. Or rather, she used to skip directly to the saddest parts of the sad movies. And minus the merlot, that really appealed to me. I could watch Yul Brynner's death scene in "The King & I" over and over. And I have. Water works, every single time. Fuck - I may do that tonight. I could use a good cry. Either that, or some ice cream. I'll have to see how I feel by 5 or so.
But, hey -- I got the latest Crowded House Fan Club package in the mail yesterday. All the way from Australia it comes. And Jesus H, wasn't I just the happiest clam? I carry my membership card in my wallet....true. Because that's the way I roll.
Lest you think I'm just walking around with a big black cloud over my head all the time. I'm not.
lisamcc at 12:06 p.m.
3 comments so far
Andrea
2007-05-22 17:45:42
Wow. That is awesome, Lisa.
-------------------------------
Momma
2007-05-22 18:39:45
I continue to marvel at your insight and self-knowledge...do you know what a rare and wonderful thing that is...I've got you by about 33 years and I'm still in the "duh" stage and don't see a time in the immediate future when that is going to change. Been doing a lot of writing for a memoir I'm putting together but it is really just scratching the surface...just a bit Nancy Drew/Pollyana. Wow...I know you're "mine," but I sometimes wonder how that happened.
-------------------------------
vikkitikkitavi
2007-05-23 14:01:25
My brother just hit 17 years. I'm glad he's still around. Because for sure he would not be if he hadn't stopped. So whatever it takes for you to keep being around, you should do that. Even though I don't see you often, it makes me happy just knowing that you are out there, somewhere.
-------------------------------
Stumble It!
