2007-01-13
It's Fun to Stay at the....
Nine months or so ago I made the decision to get off my ass and be a little more "active." My clothes were too tight, and not in that "come-hither-big-boy" way. More like a "watch-out-because-this-button-may-shoot-off-at-any-moment-and-I'd-hate-to-blind-you-big-boy" way. I've bounced up and down, weight-wise, for most of my life, going anywhere from a 6 to a 14, never particularly healthy at either end.
I'd had a membership to the YMCA across the street from my office for YEARS and yet seldom (read: once every couple of months if at all) ventured into the place. I kept up my membership, though; it wasn't too difficult seeing as my fees were coming directly out of my checking account and I was too lazy to bother with cancelling it. Plus I kept thinking, "Someday...I'll start going to the gym. I mean REALLY going." You know, along with getting that book written and maybe making an effort to be a little less vulgar, pissy and vindictive.
It wasn't easy. An investigation into my closet revealed that I had next to nothing in the way of "workout gear," besides a too-small sports bra and a couple pairs of non-ironic leggings. But I packed these, as well as an extra-large Crowded House concert tee and my black high-tops into a plastic shopping bag and carried the lot into the office with me, where I announced (in the event that anyone cared) that I was going to the GYM after work.
And it didn't completely suck. I mean, I can think of a billion things that suck even less, but it wasn't the worst way I could spend an hour. So I stuck to it. Along the way, I bought myself some "sportier" duds, compiled a "workout" playlist for my iPod, and began to notice that my stomach wasn't billowing over the tops of my jeans as much. I also found that I didn't so much want to eat a styrofoam bin full of Chinese food for lunch every day, and that it wasn't really necessary to have a large whole-milk latte every morning.
And I've lost 25 pounds since last spring. Yup.
But I didn't mean for this to be a "weight journal entry." What I REALLY want to talk about are the crazies who frequent my gym.
Porn 'stache Man looks like he walked right out of a 70's physical fitness brochure. He's got this crazy feathered hair and this HUGE mustache. He wears itty-bitty running shorts. I haven't even bothered to look at his footwear, which is usually the FIRST thing I notice about any guy, because I'm just so mesmerized by the 'stache. Is he gay? Is he straight? Who finds this attractive? He's not repulsive to look at....it's just so anachronistic. Like if you had a crush on your high school track coach maybe, this guy would be right up your alley.
The World Is My Cellphone Girl is almost always in the locker room, still in her street clothes, talking VERY LOUDLY on her cellphone, despite the numerous signs posted throughout the facilities that cellphone use is forbidden. I am simultaneously annoyed with and fascinated by her. She speaks perfect, idiomatic English in a gorgeous Russian accent, and is usually on the phone with a Latina girlfriend, as she flits in and out of both Spanish and English throughout the conversation, which usually involves a trip abroad they're planning, a party she needs to buy food for, and whatever guy the aforementioned friend is having trouble with. I've never actually SEEN her anywhere but in the locker room, although she makes frequent references to the fact that she's at the gym and is "about to" work out.
Nekkid Woman does everything she can get away with sans clothing. She would go out there and pound out 5 miles on the treadmill in the buff if she could. But she can't, so she makes do with drying her hair, applying her makeup, and eyeing the rest of us as if daring us to gaze upon her nakedness. Then she slowly dresses herself, making sure to be within sight of the mirrors at all times. She sure likes being naked, because her underwear is usually ALL WRONG.
I'm sure I'm considered a "character" at this point as well, believe me. Maybe Porn 'stache Man secretly refers to me as "Redheaded Tattooed Weirdo." Perhaps Nekkid Woman thinks of me as "Fancy Underpants Prude Girl." And there's no telling what The World Is My Cellphone Girl is thinking, because it's likely in a language I don't understand.
lisamcc at 11:49 a.m.
4 comments so far
Worker formerly known as Kathryn
2007-01-19 10:56:00
First, is there something wrong with being vulgar, pissy and vindictive? Cuz if so, I've got a reaaaal problem. Secondly, in honor of your committment to the Y I give you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSEsTUbKByY
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vikkitikkitavi
2007-01-17 11:34:47
See, this is why I don't work out.
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Lexi Kahn
2007-01-15 13:19:14
MY gym has a Nekkid Lady too! How weird. Mine *has* a towel...what she does is deal with her hair et all with the towel tucked under her breasts. Yep. Tucked under.
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cardiogirl
2007-03-04 09:34:51
Yes, ma'am, as a frequent Y-goer I have my "regulars" who include Fat Tony, Too Short Short-Shorts Man and Perfect Make Up Girl, among others. I, too, wonder what moniker I have earned. Most likely Competitive Red-Faced (thank you, rosacea) Girl.
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