2006-05-07

asocial

a�so�cial
adj.
Avoiding or averse to the society of others; not sociable.
"It's not that you're so asocial, but a man who likes people doesn't wind up in the Antarctic." -- Saul Bellow

I've been struggling with this a lot recently...this knowledge that I am, at my core, a very solitary person. I prefer being by myself. No - I prefer not to be surrounded by a whole bunch of people.

I spent a good portion of my twenties forcing myself to be more sociable, and subsequently spent a whole lot of time being miserable, or drunk, or both. I've removed alcohol from the mix because it turns to gall and wormwood in me almost immediately. Somewhere around 2000, it ceased working for me, if it ever worked at all.

It's difficult for me to explain to people how it is in my head sometimes. A little timer of sorts goes off, and I just can't deal. It's too much. I don't think it's "social anxiety" per se. I'm not paralyzed with fear at the thought of going to a party, or a show, or whatever. I am just a lot more in tune with my limitations, and my limits.

Today I went to see Ad Frank play at the Harvard Square Mayfair. It's a big street fair, just like the Central Square "World's Fair," and JP's "Wake Up The Earth" festival. It's loads and loads of people chowing down on fried dough and perusing the same few dozen vendors peddling the same gauzy Indian blouses, Nag Champa incense, and silver jewelry. Awful pseudo-hippie bullshit. Everyone wanders in a sun-drunk stupor, buying the most godawful ugly clothing with an almost haughty relief.

But I went, because I wanted to see Ad, and it was a lovely day, and I have to periodically heed the internal suggestion to just suck up and go out and be among the people, because I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a miserly misanthropic cat lady otherwise. And by "cat lady" I mean a lady with a metric assload of cats living in a subsidized apartment that stinks like pee and Sanka, not a Julie Taymor-type.

And I went, and Ad was terrific, but other than that I was not a happy spore. I muttered and boiled as I tried to squeeze through the teeming throngs and that OTHER inner voice - the voice of REASON - kept asking me why I continued to stay there, if I was so unhappy. Really what I wanted to do was sit on my backporch, drinking tea and reading Norwegian folk stories while listening to WJIB. But I still think that this is wrong of me, somehow.

lisamcc at 9:56 p.m.

3 comments so far
Lexi Kahn
2006-05-19 17:01:30
So...I'll see you at the next Rock and Roll Social then?
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Todd
2006-05-08 20:33:06
Yes. You are wrong. You are a very wrong person. Because you are bad. Always remember this. And know that you can never change it. To attempt to do so is an exercise in futility. (By the way, I hate crowds, too. Skipped Jazz Fest this weekend, despite fantastic line-ups of musicians, because I can't abide being jostled by thousands of strangers. Because I am bad. And wrong. And nothing I do will ever change my badness and wrongitude.)
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gimpy old lady
2006-05-08 13:00:34
Sweetie, "people" have never been your problem...being around teeming throngs has always made you uncomfortable, but I'd hardly call you "asocial." I really think it is a "sensory" thing, not a dislike for humankind. A lot of us feel that way, we just kinda put it out of the way and not think about it...just get through it. See you soon...
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