2002-05-26

What's my problem?

UUGGGHHH. Okay, I promised you all, and myself, that I would do my very best to not turn this into a Sobriety Journal, but God damn, I am still fuming about something that happened the other night, after my band finished a gig.

I got pulled aside by someone who I'd previously thought of as a friend, and treated to an upbraiding which, really, just left me exhausted and aghast and upset. Basically, this "friend" told me that he didn't like this "sober version" of me, that ever since I quit drinking I've been miserable and agitated all of the time, and that if I was going to be this much of a drag, I should just go back to drinking.

He then proceeded to grill me about exactly what I thought constituted a "drinking problem," because since I hadn't crashed a car or showed up at work naked or something similarly extreme, he didn't see why I needed to quit.

You know, kids, I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do short of walking around with a big, honking, neon-yellow sticker on my forehead that reads "Please Do Not Feed The Alcoholic." I mean, what the fucking fuck? Do people just not GET IT? It's been hard enough for me to unlearn a habit that I spent the better part of fifteen years mastering -- both by myself and in the company of others -- without having to constantly defend my decision to people who are supposed to want what's best for me, warts and all.

If I drink, I'm a miserable shrew. If I don't drink, I'm a miserable shrew. I don't want to become Militant Recovery Bitch here; all I want is for people to accept the fact that I don't drink anymore, that I couldn't care less whether they do or not, and to just....I don't know....I don't know what I want them to do. I can't sever my ties to the music scene, I can't NOT go to shows or parties.

I didn't want this to be the center of my whole fucking universe, but sometimes it feels like certain people are forcing me to make it so.

I don't drink anymore. Or at least I'm trying real hard not to drink anymore.

No, I'm not on medication.

No, I'm not trying to get pregnant.

No, it's not just something I'm trying to do for a little while, to see if I can. I'm not "taking a break," I'm quitting my job and moving out of town, metaphorically speaking.

Jesus fuck, why is that so hard for people to understand? I could play armchair psychologist and suggest that my quitting drinking is forcing some other folks to examine their own behavior, but I don't want to go there. I'm just trying to get my own house in order; I don't want to open up a cleaning service.

lisamcc at 1:40 p.m.

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