2002-05-13

Doorknob

Well, Paula's bachelorette party went off without a hitch, meaning that Paula, in her infinite nosiness, had no clue, and that I managed to get through it all without a drink. I will say, though, that it was hard. Brutally hard.

I never know what to say when people come up to me and ask, "So, are you still not drinking?" As if this decision I've made is akin to deciding to let my hair grow out of its current cut/color. Like I woke up one morning and said, "I think I'll get another piercing in my right ear, and -- oh, yeah -- maybe I'll stop drinking a pint of whiskey a day."

I'm at the point in my struggle for sobriety where I'm almost too sensitive to live. I don't want people to acknowledge what I'm going through, but I do. It all came to a head yesterday, as I watched my five-year-old goddaughter, Kiki, play with a seemingly random bunch of toys. She had a Frankenstein doll, a mirror, and a miniature rowboat. I just sat there and listened to her as she weaved a tale about a monster who doesn't want to be a monster anymore, and goes off in a boat to an island to figure out how to be more human. And I remembered how easy it is to drift off into that world, a world where you can control what happens.

I don't want to be ignored, but I don't want to be treated like some fragile piece of glass. Yes, I am struggling with this. I am trying to learn to deal with nasty feelings and social situations without drowing them in alcohol for the first time in 16 years. But I want so much to deal with it sans the drippiness of what we now know as the Recovery Process. I don't want to hear about how "brave" I am, nor do I want anyone to view me as someone who has officially become No Fun. I'm simply relearning how to have fun. I want so much to be able to get through this with humor, not drivel.

The 12-steppers constantly tell me, the pissy old cynic, that I don't have to view my "Higher Power" the way they do. My Higher Power "can even be a doorknob," according to the literature. That's all very well, but if I'm going to start asking the doorknob to "remove my shortcomings," I may as well just beat myself over the head with it.

lisamcc at 1:26 p.m.

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